Understanding

This morning has put me through the ringer. A phone call to my mother that didn't go as planned. As I said in my post yesterday, she is accepting, but not at all understanding. The things that she has said are ridiculous. They are painful at times, and downright stupid at others.

Today I brought up the subject of when I should tell my husband. The longer it goes, the harder it is for me to say anything. She took this to mean that I was going to tell him today, apparently. She started going off. Coming up with all these things about why I shouldn't tell him.

"What if he walks out on you and leaves you there to pay bills you can't afford?" "What if he takes the kids?" "What if want's nothing to do with you? You are expecting his support, but he probably isn't going to give it."

I tried over and over to explain things to her. I know my husband. He is a very logical man. He think with his head, not his heart. He also can't drive, so how exactly is he going to leave me? Is he just going to walk off into the sunset? Is he going to hoof it with my kids? Where is he going to go? He can't afford his own place either. She says that he will go and live with one of his family members. He has two sisters and two brothers living down here. One sister is a few blocks away, but is living with her ex boyfriend, and he hates that guy.

The other sister he isn't really that close to, at all. The brothers both live way far out. He is going to college. His mind is on his career, on his school and what he is going to do. I do not believe that he would give that up just to get away from me. Not to mention, he does love his kids and want's what's best for them. I do not believe that he would just walk out on me, and leave me and our kids to suffer in poverty.

I do not have a job. I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe social anxiety when I was 16-18. I am unsure on the age. I worked for several years, but was never able to hold a job for long due to my anxiety. It made physically ill, to the point where I had to call in a lot, or go home from being sick. When I married my husband, I tried to find a job, was unsuccessful and ended up getting on social security disability. It was meant to be a temporary thing until I could conquer my anxiety. Of course, as life goes, my anxiety has only gotten worse, not better. So I have been unable to move away from that.

My husband has a job, he brings in the most money. He is supporting me and our kids. I bring in a tiny little check each month. It isn't enough for me to live on alone. He knows that. He also knows he won't be able to get himself to work if he leaves. He can't drive, never has gotten his license, so that is all on me.

I am not saying that these things won't happen. They could. They are just highly unlikely. I know my husband better than my mother does.

Then we can bring it around to her constant accusatory nature. She defends this and says she isn't being accusatory, but I don't believe that. She is always asking me if "this" as in me being who I am, is worth losing my husband over. Is it worth putting my kids through this? She doesn't understand that this is something I have to do if I ever want to be happy.

Then she started going on about how I don't have the money to do this. I need to face reality, that no matter how much I desire or want something, that doesn't mean the universe is going to bend over backwards to make it happen.

That shows how much she doesn't understand.