Two in a row, because I don't know where else to talk. I wanted to call my friend, talk to her, but she is busy. I can't talk to my mother because she doesn't understand. I've already made two different post about my crappy situation on my forums today. I have no where, but my blog.
I set up an appointment for the therapist that is further out. My appointment is on the 4th. I should be happy. I am not. I've cried a lot today. Gotten really angry. Just want to scream at everything and everyone.
It is just too much. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. To walk this path, to ever be who I want to be. It is too hard. I think about the pain my husband is going to feel, and I hate it. It makes me hate myself. I worry about how this is going to effect my kids. I think about the pain my mother is going through. I think about how hard all of this is, and I just don't want to do it. I was depressed before, but since figuring this all out, I am more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life.
I actually had a thought of suicide today. I didn't entertain it. I have kids. I refuse to do that to them. If it weren't for them though, I don't think I would stay around. My husband would hurt, but it would be different. He wouldn't feel betrayed. My mother would always have her daughter, and never would she have a son.
It is too hard. This path is lined with broken glass, and I forgot my shoes. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to do this. I can't ignore it though. It is so loud, and I can't escape it. It is here, forever, and it isn't going away. I never should have ignored it when I was 18. If I hadn't, then I might not be where I am right now. I wouldn't have a husband to ruin. Two children to ruin. I wouldn't be here.
It isn't just all of that. I feel like I can't get out. I am stuck. Being where I am, being in the situation I am in, I have no control. I can't escape. Every time that I start to move forward, I am pushed back down, kicked in the teeth. I can't get out of this.
I am afraid that I am never going to be happy again.
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