Cloudy Days

You know, as has been my observation through most of my life, life is not easy. You think you are getting somewhere, that you are moving forward towards your goals, and then your kicked back down. As has been detailed in my blog many times, I have continuously felt kicked down. I make progress, but it quickly get buried underneath a mound of troubles.

Yesterday's entry told all of you about my husband finally being told. I was happy when I was writing that blog yesterday. I was looking forward to a bright future, one where I would be able to be myself. I had so many plans, and all I could see were bright beautiful skies ahead of me. Maybe that was my problem.  I was overlooking the storm clouds that were on the horizon. I was making all of these plans, without having spoken to my husband about them. We have kids together, and I knew I would need to talk to him about taking my kids to live with my mother in another state. I didn't think he would be too upset. I didn't think he would try and stop me.

I didn't think, and that is my fault.

I told him my plan last night, to which he was completely blindsided. There were a lot of tears, and eventually he told me outright that he wasn't going to let me take our kids anywhere. So I told him I would get legal action against him. That was stupid. Why? Because he would fight me on it, and I would most likely lose my kids. I live in the south, and even if I didn't, transgender people hardly ever get custody of their children in a custody battle. Me living in the south just means that it is completely not possible.

What does this mean? It means if I want to leave my husband, if I want to go and start a new life, I will lose my children. It means that I can't do anything. He has trapped me in our marriage. I can't transition. I can't leave him. I can't move out. I am stuck again. At least for the next twelve to thirteen years, until my children are old enough to be considered adults, and there can't be a custody battle for them.

I am heart broken. I tried to look on the positive side of it all. I tried to be optimistic. Told myself I would get therapy, and make them not give me the option to transition. To work at the root of what was causing my dysphoria instead, and surely I would be happy in time. My husband 100% believes that my dysphoria comes from my depression, my lack of self confidence, my anxiety, etc. He thinks I can work past this. He is willing to be a better husband, even after all the crap he said to me on Wednesday.

I have to accept that too. Because I can't lose my kids. They are my entire world. Living without them is not an option for me. Not even to transition. He woke me up at 3 in the morning to cite all of these medical journals he had read on-line, talking about how adverse a parent transitioning at my kids ages, effects them. All but saying he would use that research in court against me. I can't believe this is all happening. It is kind of funny, in a non humorous way, just how quickly life can flip around. One minute I was on top of the world, so empowered, and then the next, I lost it all. Trapped in a marriage I can't get out of.

I would love to believe that therapy can help me, and make these feelings go away, but I don't think it will help. I keep thinking of the future I am not going to have. I keep thinking about how much I want to be Trent, and how much it just isn't going to happen. This is a sacrifice I have to make, in order to not lose my children. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but I have no choice.