There I Said It

Hey, welcome to my blog, That T Word. You might be asking yourself, "what T word". Toilet paper? Tissue? Trust? Truths? No, none of those T words. Transgender is the T word I am referring to.

Hi. My birth given name is Brittany. My name here is Trent. I am transgender. A female to eventual male. I am FTM (female to male). For some that aren't all that familiar with the transgender community, no, I do not have to have transitioned to be considered FTM. I have not transitioned, and will not be able to for a few years. This blog is going to be about all of that. My life, my issues, my acceptance of who I am, the acceptance or disapproval of others in my life. The internet is my only outlet, my safe place. I would like to keep this blog as a safe haven. Any rude comments will be deleted.

Now let's get down to business. My name is Trent. I am 29 years old, just turned 29 in early August. My story begins when I was sixteen. You see, the media likes to pretend that all transgender people know at a very young age that something is off, that they don't fit, but that isn't true for all of us. Not at all. I spent the first sixteen years of my life completely happy with who I was. I was carefree, spirited, had so many good friends and just really loved being a girl. My parents divorced when I was three, so my mother was the one raising me and my older sister. When I was ten she moved us to another city, I made new friends and kept going on. Then when I was just about to turn fourteen, we moved back to our hometown.

That triggered some issues for me. I became introverted, incredibly shy, depressed, and not at all like I used to be. I had brain surgery for a tumor when I was fourteen. My sister claims that I was never the same after that surgery. I agree, I wasn't. I am not saying the brain surgery did this by the way, not by any means. Puberty and growing up was what triggered my gender dysphoria.

So I went on with my little life, thinking I was a lesbian, thinking I was bisexual, just going through the passes. I was very boy crazy, so I will never understand how I thought I was a lesbian, but that was what my teenage years consisted of. A lot of questioning.

Eventually I got hooked on Male on Male relations. Intimacy and otherwise. I don't how or when it started, but it did. I was in love with Queer as Folk. At first it started out as just an innocent thing. Like other "normal" girls that found two men erotic, I thought I was normal too. Then things shifted. I realized I didn't just want to watch two men, I wanted to BE one of those men. I wanted to be with a man, as a man. Not a woman. I wanted to be in a homosexual relationship, with a man, which was just not possible. Through research and inner searching, I found transgender.

It clicked. It felt right. I was transgender. I came out to my mother. She supported me. I started to dress in a more manly fashion. I never dressed girly in my teen years anyway, so it wasn't that much of a stretch. I was heavy, so I wore baggy clothes, men's deodorant and underwear. It felt so wonderful. That went on for two years. I was only out to my mother and sister, and just barely. I still had people using female pronouns and my female name, because I couldn't fully transition anyway. I lived in the south (still do) and was in high school. There was no way I wanted trouble.

I looked into a lot of things during that time. I was very seriously considering getting SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) and was making all the proper plans on saving the money for the procedure. Then I met someone. My first official boyfriend, shortly after I turned 18.

He changed everything. I didn't think I was trans anymore, because I enjoyed our sexual life just fine. I thought I was wrong about being trans, and that I was actually just a straight female. That went on for years. Over ten years to be exact.

Then, what do you know, my feelings reemerged. I am now married. Have been for seven years. I have two children, one boy, one girl. Five and six. I love my husband. I do. He is amazing and is my everything, but... feelings starting arising. How desperately I wanted to be with him as a man, and not a woman. I broached the subject of us doing something like that, switching roles in the bedroom. He wasn't against the idea, having never done anything like that, he couldn't say if he would hate it or not. That idea though, it made everything reemerge.

I did even more research, and here I am. I am transgender. I want to be a man. I will be a man. One day. Baby steps.

Next time I write, I will write more about my current situation and how things are going.