Let's get started with fitness. So I am a big guy. I took care of myself pretty well when I was younger. I wasn't that heavy. I put on some weight when I was around 16, right around the time of my dysphoria appearing. It never left either. It only got worse with time. Now it got the absolute worse when I had my second child. I gained with my son, but I also lost with him. I was pregnant with my daughter six months after my son was born. I didn't have time, or the willpower, to lose the weight I had gained with my son. During my pregnancy with my daughter, I just just screw it, and I ate everything in sight. I got all the way up to 270 pounds before she was born. The heaviest I have ever been! After she was born I had dropped down to around 255-260.
I started several diets over the last five years. I have worked out several times. Sometimes my work out regiments would last for a month, maybe two, and then it would end. I continued to fluctuate between 230-260 for all these years. 230 is highly irregular for me though. I mostly stay between 245-255. Right now I am 260. My weight has caused me depression, but I have never had the motivation to do anything about it. Every time that I would get motivated, I would lose it. The motivation just wasn't there. Why? Because I didn't, and still don't, like the end product. Once I lose weight, I will have curves. I will have that very feminine figure that I don't want.
It took me years, but I have figured out that in a way, my weight gain has been because of my dysphoria. It is easier to be heavy, because then I don't have all those girly curves. It also added the GIGANTIC breast to me though. I currently have double d's and very bad dysphoria over them. We'll get to that later.
So once I realized that my weight was a cause of my dysphoria, I decided that I would just ignore it until I start hormones. Then it was pointed out to me that most people won't give you T (testosterone, to be referred to as T from here on out) unless you are at a healthy weight. I want to be a guy with a flat stomach and chest, good biceps and pecs. I want a six pack. I want all of that. I look at someone like this : (male model, David Gandy)
And I aspire to look like that. Yes I find him highly attractive, but I also am fiercely jealous of that body. So knowing that I have to lose weight before I can start this transition, I have started to exercise. I am going at it slowly. 15 minutes of Zumba four days a week, and then around ten minutes or so with a kettle bell five days a week. This is really little, but I need to start slow because of my weight. I don't need to have a heart attack. Soon I will be upping it to 30 minutes, but probably only after a month or so of this. Today is my one full week of working out day.
Where did I get motivation? Well, simple. I want to look like David Gandy. His body anyway. I'll never be that tan, I am pretty pale. Whereas I couldn't get motivation before, now I have it in abundance. I have no issue getting off my chubby ass and working out. When it hurts, I just put an image of the real end product in my head, and I push through it. The real end product of what I want to be, is forcing me to take care of myself. It is about time.
Alright, on we go to my conversation with my mother.
Now guys, my mother is a lesbian. No, she is bisexual apparently. She came out to me and my sister when I was seven, eight, something like that. Now, just this year, she has come out as bisexual. My mother is accepting. Kind of. She accepts that I feel this way, that I am going to change myself, but she doesn't understand it at all. I can't fault her for this. Someone that isn't trans, can't understand it. They don't know the feelings trans people have.
Today we started talking about my current issues. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I was severely depressed and just wanted to give up on this idea. So I talked to her about it today.
"Are you really willing to give up someone you love for this? Are you thinking about your kids and how this is going to affect them? Are you only doing this because you want to lose weight easier? Why can't you just ignore it and go on with your life?"
Yep. All of those were asked. If I had known she was going to ask more ridiculous questions, then I would have held off on my last entry about dumb questions.
I tried to explain to her, that I wish I could just ignore it all and go about my life. My kids safety and emotions and well being, is of the utmost importance to me. I am scared to death of how this is going to affect them. I have thought about that. A lot. I told her that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my children. That right now, I am depressed and don't see much sense in sticking around. She doesn't seem to understand that. Apparently I should put my kids before myself on everything, including my health. I already put them before everything, but this is something I have to think about myself on.
I want to still be around to raise my kids. I want to see them grow up. I want to glare at the boyfriends/girlfriends that break my kids hearts. I want to see them get married, get jobs, go to college, have children, everything. If I continue on this path I am on, then I won't be around much longer to do all of that. My health, physically, has been declining due to my weight, due to my depression. My depression stems from my dysphoria, and my depression makes me not want to take care of myself. So yes, I am going to do this so I can help my kids.
Yes I am willing to lose my husband. Do I want to? No. I definitely do not. It draws back to me wanting to stay around though. It goes back to me having to finally put myself first, and to live a little. I am not happy right now. If this is the way I can be happy, then I will take it.
Finally, hell no, I am not doing this to lose weight more easily. I am going to lose the weight before I even start T, just to prove her wrong.
These things she said though, they really hurt. She is my only ally right now, and she can't understand it. I know she won't, but she could at least drop some of the judgement out of her voice.
Until next time readers.
-T
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