In The End

I am back! Not on a good note either. The weekend was horrible, and today is proving to be bad too.

Over the weekend I had panic attacks, insomnia and massive amounts of stress. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it is becoming to keep it from my husband. I keep wishing that he would accidentally find out, but then I know that is a silly thought. I am not ready for him to find out. No, I want him to know, but financially, I am not ready. I have no job, I haven't started college yet, etc. If he ends up running out on me and our kids, then there goes my dream of college. There goes my kids good future.

I would end up having to get a job if he left, but it wouldn't be a job that would do me much good. I would be working minimum wage, wouldn't be able to afford the house I am living in. I don't think there are any houses I would be able to afford. Apartments would be where I had to go, thus losing my german shepherd mix dog in the process. I refuse to lose my dog. She has been with us for a year and a half now, adopted her when she was four weeks old. I am not abandoning her. She would be so lost without this family.

Any kind of life I could give my kids, working a dead end job, would be horrible. They would be poor. I would be poor. We would be in poverty. All my hopes and dreams would be dashed, and I wouldn't get to transition either. Transition cost money. Therapy, hormones, top surgery. It would all be completely out of my grasp, forever.

Now I know this isn't a given. I don't know how my husband is going to react to all of this. I have no idea what he is going to do, or say, or anything. I am just trying to prepare for all outcomes, and as much as I don't want to believe it, this is a possibility. Him leaving.

I have thought about telling his sister, whom I am friends with, and who we both lived with for a while. I feel like she would be on my side. She just got a degree in psychiatry, she would understand it better than he would. We are thinking about moving in with her again, sometime next years. I want to tell both of them then, but next year is so many months away. It is so hard. I can't keep hiding it.

On top of all the detrimental effects to my health, I am having trouble finding a therapist.

I have found two that see GID patients, and take my insurance. One is about ten minutes away, just down the road. I know the area, and if anything happened to my run down car, I could call someone from one of the many businesses around there.

I have an appointment with them on the 27th. They told me I would have to pay 20 dollars for a copay.

That is a problem. My husband doesn't like therapist, so I can't tell him I am going to see one for something other than trans issues. He holds the money. I don't mess with it. I can't just ask for 20 dollars. I don't know what to do.

The other therapist is 15-20 minutes away, on a drive down the interstate. I hate interstates. I have driving anxiety when I am driving in places I don't know. I don't know that area at all. I am scared to drive there. I am afraid something will happen to the car, and I don't have a cellphone. I am afraid I am going to get lost.

Everything is weighing me down right now. Everything. I am at such a loss, again.

Maybe I should tell my husband.

Maybe.

On a good note, I got my hair cut last Friday. It is nice.