Nothing but time

Alright, weekend from hell is over.

In my last post, I was pretty much at my wits end. I am still there, but I have a few threads hanging down, keeping me from falling any further and giving me small bits of hope. I do mean small.

So the husband is really getting on my nerves. I can't do this. I can't be with him. He is manipulating me into this marriage, he is controlling every aspect of my life. I have no freedom, no privacy, no anything. Just him. I know now that he used the threat of taking my kids away, as a means to keep me here. To make it to where I couldn't leave. I still going to leave. I might not be going to my hometown, in another state, but I am leaving. All that is left, is figuring out when.

I am not happy with him. I haven't been happy with him in a longtime. The things he said to me on Wednesday just made it all worse. He spoke from his heart, told me exactly how he felt about me, and I can't just forget that. Then my eyes were opened to his manipulating ways, and the way he controls me, and I just want to get out. I can't stay in a relationship like this.

All weekend, he tried to be a better husband. Touched me more, complimented me, played with the kids, spent time with his family. I couldn't enjoy it, not really, because it felt forced and tainted. I couldn't help but think that he was doing all of that, just so he could keep me. He doesn't love me. It is all about controlling me. It is all about not losing the lofty life he has because of me. The life where he doesn't have to lift a finger to cook, clean, drive, take care of kids, etc.

Today I told my mother I need to get out, but she can't do much. I can't go there, doing so will risk losing my kids. My only options available to me right now, are sticking it out. Sticking it out until I can figure things out. I see my therapist tomorrow, and I am really hoping that she will be able to give me resources and advice on how to get out of this with my kids. I am thinking of talking to my sister in law, and seeing about moving in with her, with my kids. Then my husband can still see his kids every day, but he won't be able to control me.

I need to get a job. I am still trying. I put in so many applications, but no one has called me back. It has been almost two weeks since I put in those applications. I don't think anyone is going to hire me without someone vouching for me. I might try and see if I can work with my sister in law. She said her job doesn't have any available positions right now. I might see about doing her job, but with a different company, and from home. I need to have more income. If my husband does take me to court over our kids, that is the one thing that he will have over me. He will have a job and a brighter future to give our kids. He has a job, and he is going to college, while I am sitting around on SSD.

So I need to get everything where it needs to be.

I am trying. I don't know where to go until after I talk to my therapist. After I do that, depending on how it all goes, I might call a lawyer and see what I can and can't do. Then it will be time to talk to my sister in law. I have no idea how long this all will take. It could be fast, it could take months. I have no idea.

I am still going to college in January.

I have nothing but time now.