Saw my therapist today for the first time. Guess what? I am trans! Ha! Yeah, she didn't question it at all. I mean she asked questions, but she didn't doubt me. Told me that I sounded 100% committed to it, and that I already knew who and what I was, that there was no question about that. That was nice. I needed to hear that. I needed someone to believe me. I've gotten so sick of all the non believers.
We talked about my husband and current situation a lot. She want's me to take things slow, and work on me. Take control of my life, so I don't feel like a prisoner anymore. This involves getting healthy, by going to see a doctor and getting a check up. Starting any medications that can help. Getting a job so I am not so reliant on my husband. All of the things I already knew, but hearing someone else tell me that this is the plan I need to follow, really helped too.
She doesn't know much about the legal system here when it comes to trans, so she couldn't help on that. I am going to have to call a lawyer and find out what my rights are with my kids. Find out if there is a high chance of losing them due to me being trans and not having a job. If there isn't a high chance, as they always try and go for joint custody in these matters, then I might move out.
I am going to talk to my sister in law eventually, about moving in with her and my kids. Then my husband can still see his kids, as she lives in the same city. I will be free and out, away from him, but hopefully not have to deal with the court crap. We will see. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because every time that I do, he squishes them. Besides, I do know him, and he will probably try and take my to court just to hurt me.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
Nothing but time
Alright, weekend from hell is over.
In my last post, I was pretty much at my wits end. I am still there, but I have a few threads hanging down, keeping me from falling any further and giving me small bits of hope. I do mean small.
So the husband is really getting on my nerves. I can't do this. I can't be with him. He is manipulating me into this marriage, he is controlling every aspect of my life. I have no freedom, no privacy, no anything. Just him. I know now that he used the threat of taking my kids away, as a means to keep me here. To make it to where I couldn't leave. I still going to leave. I might not be going to my hometown, in another state, but I am leaving. All that is left, is figuring out when.
I am not happy with him. I haven't been happy with him in a longtime. The things he said to me on Wednesday just made it all worse. He spoke from his heart, told me exactly how he felt about me, and I can't just forget that. Then my eyes were opened to his manipulating ways, and the way he controls me, and I just want to get out. I can't stay in a relationship like this.
All weekend, he tried to be a better husband. Touched me more, complimented me, played with the kids, spent time with his family. I couldn't enjoy it, not really, because it felt forced and tainted. I couldn't help but think that he was doing all of that, just so he could keep me. He doesn't love me. It is all about controlling me. It is all about not losing the lofty life he has because of me. The life where he doesn't have to lift a finger to cook, clean, drive, take care of kids, etc.
Today I told my mother I need to get out, but she can't do much. I can't go there, doing so will risk losing my kids. My only options available to me right now, are sticking it out. Sticking it out until I can figure things out. I see my therapist tomorrow, and I am really hoping that she will be able to give me resources and advice on how to get out of this with my kids. I am thinking of talking to my sister in law, and seeing about moving in with her, with my kids. Then my husband can still see his kids every day, but he won't be able to control me.
I need to get a job. I am still trying. I put in so many applications, but no one has called me back. It has been almost two weeks since I put in those applications. I don't think anyone is going to hire me without someone vouching for me. I might try and see if I can work with my sister in law. She said her job doesn't have any available positions right now. I might see about doing her job, but with a different company, and from home. I need to have more income. If my husband does take me to court over our kids, that is the one thing that he will have over me. He will have a job and a brighter future to give our kids. He has a job, and he is going to college, while I am sitting around on SSD.
So I need to get everything where it needs to be.
I am trying. I don't know where to go until after I talk to my therapist. After I do that, depending on how it all goes, I might call a lawyer and see what I can and can't do. Then it will be time to talk to my sister in law. I have no idea how long this all will take. It could be fast, it could take months. I have no idea.
I am still going to college in January.
I have nothing but time now.
In my last post, I was pretty much at my wits end. I am still there, but I have a few threads hanging down, keeping me from falling any further and giving me small bits of hope. I do mean small.
So the husband is really getting on my nerves. I can't do this. I can't be with him. He is manipulating me into this marriage, he is controlling every aspect of my life. I have no freedom, no privacy, no anything. Just him. I know now that he used the threat of taking my kids away, as a means to keep me here. To make it to where I couldn't leave. I still going to leave. I might not be going to my hometown, in another state, but I am leaving. All that is left, is figuring out when.
I am not happy with him. I haven't been happy with him in a longtime. The things he said to me on Wednesday just made it all worse. He spoke from his heart, told me exactly how he felt about me, and I can't just forget that. Then my eyes were opened to his manipulating ways, and the way he controls me, and I just want to get out. I can't stay in a relationship like this.
All weekend, he tried to be a better husband. Touched me more, complimented me, played with the kids, spent time with his family. I couldn't enjoy it, not really, because it felt forced and tainted. I couldn't help but think that he was doing all of that, just so he could keep me. He doesn't love me. It is all about controlling me. It is all about not losing the lofty life he has because of me. The life where he doesn't have to lift a finger to cook, clean, drive, take care of kids, etc.
Today I told my mother I need to get out, but she can't do much. I can't go there, doing so will risk losing my kids. My only options available to me right now, are sticking it out. Sticking it out until I can figure things out. I see my therapist tomorrow, and I am really hoping that she will be able to give me resources and advice on how to get out of this with my kids. I am thinking of talking to my sister in law, and seeing about moving in with her, with my kids. Then my husband can still see his kids every day, but he won't be able to control me.
I need to get a job. I am still trying. I put in so many applications, but no one has called me back. It has been almost two weeks since I put in those applications. I don't think anyone is going to hire me without someone vouching for me. I might try and see if I can work with my sister in law. She said her job doesn't have any available positions right now. I might see about doing her job, but with a different company, and from home. I need to have more income. If my husband does take me to court over our kids, that is the one thing that he will have over me. He will have a job and a brighter future to give our kids. He has a job, and he is going to college, while I am sitting around on SSD.
So I need to get everything where it needs to be.
I am trying. I don't know where to go until after I talk to my therapist. After I do that, depending on how it all goes, I might call a lawyer and see what I can and can't do. Then it will be time to talk to my sister in law. I have no idea how long this all will take. It could be fast, it could take months. I have no idea.
I am still going to college in January.
I have nothing but time now.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Cloudy Days
You know, as has been my observation through most of my life, life is not easy. You think you are getting somewhere, that you are moving forward towards your goals, and then your kicked back down. As has been detailed in my blog many times, I have continuously felt kicked down. I make progress, but it quickly get buried underneath a mound of troubles.
Yesterday's entry told all of you about my husband finally being told. I was happy when I was writing that blog yesterday. I was looking forward to a bright future, one where I would be able to be myself. I had so many plans, and all I could see were bright beautiful skies ahead of me. Maybe that was my problem. I was overlooking the storm clouds that were on the horizon. I was making all of these plans, without having spoken to my husband about them. We have kids together, and I knew I would need to talk to him about taking my kids to live with my mother in another state. I didn't think he would be too upset. I didn't think he would try and stop me.
I didn't think, and that is my fault.
I told him my plan last night, to which he was completely blindsided. There were a lot of tears, and eventually he told me outright that he wasn't going to let me take our kids anywhere. So I told him I would get legal action against him. That was stupid. Why? Because he would fight me on it, and I would most likely lose my kids. I live in the south, and even if I didn't, transgender people hardly ever get custody of their children in a custody battle. Me living in the south just means that it is completely not possible.
What does this mean? It means if I want to leave my husband, if I want to go and start a new life, I will lose my children. It means that I can't do anything. He has trapped me in our marriage. I can't transition. I can't leave him. I can't move out. I am stuck again. At least for the next twelve to thirteen years, until my children are old enough to be considered adults, and there can't be a custody battle for them.
I am heart broken. I tried to look on the positive side of it all. I tried to be optimistic. Told myself I would get therapy, and make them not give me the option to transition. To work at the root of what was causing my dysphoria instead, and surely I would be happy in time. My husband 100% believes that my dysphoria comes from my depression, my lack of self confidence, my anxiety, etc. He thinks I can work past this. He is willing to be a better husband, even after all the crap he said to me on Wednesday.
I have to accept that too. Because I can't lose my kids. They are my entire world. Living without them is not an option for me. Not even to transition. He woke me up at 3 in the morning to cite all of these medical journals he had read on-line, talking about how adverse a parent transitioning at my kids ages, effects them. All but saying he would use that research in court against me. I can't believe this is all happening. It is kind of funny, in a non humorous way, just how quickly life can flip around. One minute I was on top of the world, so empowered, and then the next, I lost it all. Trapped in a marriage I can't get out of.
I would love to believe that therapy can help me, and make these feelings go away, but I don't think it will help. I keep thinking of the future I am not going to have. I keep thinking about how much I want to be Trent, and how much it just isn't going to happen. This is a sacrifice I have to make, in order to not lose my children. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but I have no choice.
Yesterday's entry told all of you about my husband finally being told. I was happy when I was writing that blog yesterday. I was looking forward to a bright future, one where I would be able to be myself. I had so many plans, and all I could see were bright beautiful skies ahead of me. Maybe that was my problem. I was overlooking the storm clouds that were on the horizon. I was making all of these plans, without having spoken to my husband about them. We have kids together, and I knew I would need to talk to him about taking my kids to live with my mother in another state. I didn't think he would be too upset. I didn't think he would try and stop me.
I didn't think, and that is my fault.
I told him my plan last night, to which he was completely blindsided. There were a lot of tears, and eventually he told me outright that he wasn't going to let me take our kids anywhere. So I told him I would get legal action against him. That was stupid. Why? Because he would fight me on it, and I would most likely lose my kids. I live in the south, and even if I didn't, transgender people hardly ever get custody of their children in a custody battle. Me living in the south just means that it is completely not possible.
What does this mean? It means if I want to leave my husband, if I want to go and start a new life, I will lose my children. It means that I can't do anything. He has trapped me in our marriage. I can't transition. I can't leave him. I can't move out. I am stuck again. At least for the next twelve to thirteen years, until my children are old enough to be considered adults, and there can't be a custody battle for them.
I am heart broken. I tried to look on the positive side of it all. I tried to be optimistic. Told myself I would get therapy, and make them not give me the option to transition. To work at the root of what was causing my dysphoria instead, and surely I would be happy in time. My husband 100% believes that my dysphoria comes from my depression, my lack of self confidence, my anxiety, etc. He thinks I can work past this. He is willing to be a better husband, even after all the crap he said to me on Wednesday.
I have to accept that too. Because I can't lose my kids. They are my entire world. Living without them is not an option for me. Not even to transition. He woke me up at 3 in the morning to cite all of these medical journals he had read on-line, talking about how adverse a parent transitioning at my kids ages, effects them. All but saying he would use that research in court against me. I can't believe this is all happening. It is kind of funny, in a non humorous way, just how quickly life can flip around. One minute I was on top of the world, so empowered, and then the next, I lost it all. Trapped in a marriage I can't get out of.
I would love to believe that therapy can help me, and make these feelings go away, but I don't think it will help. I keep thinking of the future I am not going to have. I keep thinking about how much I want to be Trent, and how much it just isn't going to happen. This is a sacrifice I have to make, in order to not lose my children. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but I have no choice.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
The Husband
Alright, here is a big blog entry incoming!
Yesterday, I sent my letter to my husband. I can't remember if I told you guys about the letter or not, so here it is. I wrote a letter, a coming out letter. It was easier than talking to my husband because of how he reacted the first time. I sent that letter yesterday. I couldn't take it anymore, and yesterday was good, or so I thought. I had to take my kids to some soccer thing last night, when meant I wouldn't be in the house. I thought he would read the e-mail while I was gone.
He didn't.
He ended up reading it while I was showering. Then he stormed into the bathroom to tell me he was leaving me. What followed was a two hour long "talk". It was mostly him talking. Him throwing himself a pity party and accusing me of ruining his life, and him having wasted the last eight years of his life on me. He brought up every single thing that I have done wrong in our marriage, and threw it back in my face. He blamed me for everything. His entire life sucks because of me. It was far less to do with me being trans, and more to do with how much he has hated being married to me apparently.
He doesn't believe I have GID. He doesn't believe in GID. He stuck to his guns on me doing this for attention, and doesn't want to anything else. He claims that I have a chaotic personality, that he hasn't been attracted to me for the past five years, I have warped our children's personalities into things he doesn't like, and that he doesn't want me in his life at all.
Last night, during all of that, I was scared. I didn't know where I was supposed to go, what I was supposed to do. I was worried for my kids. They come first in everything in my life, and I was so scared of the life they were going to be forced into because their other dad wasn't even thinking of them. I thought he would be mature enough to think of his kids, but I was wrong. I sadly tried to take it all back. Sure, I would be miserable and depressed, stuck in this female body, but at least my kids would be able to have a good life.
He didn't let me take it back. Which is good. I didn't see it then, but I do now. Because I can't take this back, and I don't want to. The way he acted, the things he said, there is no going back.
After speaking with my mother and sister this morning, my eyes were opened. He has been emotionally abusing me our entire marriage. I moved an hour and fifteen minutes away from my family, my home city, so I could live with him. That isolated me from my family and friends. I no longer have the friends I used to have that lived in that city, because he made them leave. He had a problem with them, so I took his side like the good dutiful wife I was supposed to be, and they left. I can't blame them for that either. He took away my privacy. He browsed through my internet history, wouldn't allow me to talk to other men without being super nosy. I wasn't even allowed to find male celebrities attractive, or even fictional video game characters.
This only got worse through the years. He had a cellphone, I wasn't allowed one. He had friends and went out to hang out with them all of the time, but I was stuck at home with no friends. On the forums that I RP on, and on all RP things ever, I wasn't allowed to do "romance" between a character of mine and someone else's. He monitored all of that. He monitored my Skype, my Facebook, everything. He has slowly but surely taking control of my life. I have no money. No access to our bank account. No friends to turn to. My family is far away. I have nothing.
He made sure of that.
Well, it is all blowing up in his face now. My mother and sister are ready to help me. They have offered me, my kids, and my dog, a place in their apartment. It will be horribly cramped, but it is better than staying here. They are willing to let me move in with them, even willing to get a bigger place, willing to help me get a job and stand on my own.
I feel so empowered right now. I am getting a second chance on life, and it is beautiful. My husband tried to ruin me. He tried to take everything, but instead, I am just burning brighter. He can do whatever he want's, but he can't control me, he can't control my kids. I am getting out..
Yesterday, I sent my letter to my husband. I can't remember if I told you guys about the letter or not, so here it is. I wrote a letter, a coming out letter. It was easier than talking to my husband because of how he reacted the first time. I sent that letter yesterday. I couldn't take it anymore, and yesterday was good, or so I thought. I had to take my kids to some soccer thing last night, when meant I wouldn't be in the house. I thought he would read the e-mail while I was gone.
He didn't.
He ended up reading it while I was showering. Then he stormed into the bathroom to tell me he was leaving me. What followed was a two hour long "talk". It was mostly him talking. Him throwing himself a pity party and accusing me of ruining his life, and him having wasted the last eight years of his life on me. He brought up every single thing that I have done wrong in our marriage, and threw it back in my face. He blamed me for everything. His entire life sucks because of me. It was far less to do with me being trans, and more to do with how much he has hated being married to me apparently.
He doesn't believe I have GID. He doesn't believe in GID. He stuck to his guns on me doing this for attention, and doesn't want to anything else. He claims that I have a chaotic personality, that he hasn't been attracted to me for the past five years, I have warped our children's personalities into things he doesn't like, and that he doesn't want me in his life at all.
Last night, during all of that, I was scared. I didn't know where I was supposed to go, what I was supposed to do. I was worried for my kids. They come first in everything in my life, and I was so scared of the life they were going to be forced into because their other dad wasn't even thinking of them. I thought he would be mature enough to think of his kids, but I was wrong. I sadly tried to take it all back. Sure, I would be miserable and depressed, stuck in this female body, but at least my kids would be able to have a good life.
He didn't let me take it back. Which is good. I didn't see it then, but I do now. Because I can't take this back, and I don't want to. The way he acted, the things he said, there is no going back.
After speaking with my mother and sister this morning, my eyes were opened. He has been emotionally abusing me our entire marriage. I moved an hour and fifteen minutes away from my family, my home city, so I could live with him. That isolated me from my family and friends. I no longer have the friends I used to have that lived in that city, because he made them leave. He had a problem with them, so I took his side like the good dutiful wife I was supposed to be, and they left. I can't blame them for that either. He took away my privacy. He browsed through my internet history, wouldn't allow me to talk to other men without being super nosy. I wasn't even allowed to find male celebrities attractive, or even fictional video game characters.
This only got worse through the years. He had a cellphone, I wasn't allowed one. He had friends and went out to hang out with them all of the time, but I was stuck at home with no friends. On the forums that I RP on, and on all RP things ever, I wasn't allowed to do "romance" between a character of mine and someone else's. He monitored all of that. He monitored my Skype, my Facebook, everything. He has slowly but surely taking control of my life. I have no money. No access to our bank account. No friends to turn to. My family is far away. I have nothing.
He made sure of that.
Well, it is all blowing up in his face now. My mother and sister are ready to help me. They have offered me, my kids, and my dog, a place in their apartment. It will be horribly cramped, but it is better than staying here. They are willing to let me move in with them, even willing to get a bigger place, willing to help me get a job and stand on my own.
I feel so empowered right now. I am getting a second chance on life, and it is beautiful. My husband tried to ruin me. He tried to take everything, but instead, I am just burning brighter. He can do whatever he want's, but he can't control me, he can't control my kids. I am getting out..
Monday, September 19, 2016
Happy Song
Two in a row, because I don't know where else to talk. I wanted to call my friend, talk to her, but she is busy. I can't talk to my mother because she doesn't understand. I've already made two different post about my crappy situation on my forums today. I have no where, but my blog.
I set up an appointment for the therapist that is further out. My appointment is on the 4th. I should be happy. I am not. I've cried a lot today. Gotten really angry. Just want to scream at everything and everyone.
It is just too much. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. To walk this path, to ever be who I want to be. It is too hard. I think about the pain my husband is going to feel, and I hate it. It makes me hate myself. I worry about how this is going to effect my kids. I think about the pain my mother is going through. I think about how hard all of this is, and I just don't want to do it. I was depressed before, but since figuring this all out, I am more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life.
I actually had a thought of suicide today. I didn't entertain it. I have kids. I refuse to do that to them. If it weren't for them though, I don't think I would stay around. My husband would hurt, but it would be different. He wouldn't feel betrayed. My mother would always have her daughter, and never would she have a son.
It is too hard. This path is lined with broken glass, and I forgot my shoes. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to do this. I can't ignore it though. It is so loud, and I can't escape it. It is here, forever, and it isn't going away. I never should have ignored it when I was 18. If I hadn't, then I might not be where I am right now. I wouldn't have a husband to ruin. Two children to ruin. I wouldn't be here.
It isn't just all of that. I feel like I can't get out. I am stuck. Being where I am, being in the situation I am in, I have no control. I can't escape. Every time that I start to move forward, I am pushed back down, kicked in the teeth. I can't get out of this.
I am afraid that I am never going to be happy again.
I set up an appointment for the therapist that is further out. My appointment is on the 4th. I should be happy. I am not. I've cried a lot today. Gotten really angry. Just want to scream at everything and everyone.
It is just too much. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. To walk this path, to ever be who I want to be. It is too hard. I think about the pain my husband is going to feel, and I hate it. It makes me hate myself. I worry about how this is going to effect my kids. I think about the pain my mother is going through. I think about how hard all of this is, and I just don't want to do it. I was depressed before, but since figuring this all out, I am more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life.
I actually had a thought of suicide today. I didn't entertain it. I have kids. I refuse to do that to them. If it weren't for them though, I don't think I would stay around. My husband would hurt, but it would be different. He wouldn't feel betrayed. My mother would always have her daughter, and never would she have a son.
It is too hard. This path is lined with broken glass, and I forgot my shoes. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to do this. I can't ignore it though. It is so loud, and I can't escape it. It is here, forever, and it isn't going away. I never should have ignored it when I was 18. If I hadn't, then I might not be where I am right now. I wouldn't have a husband to ruin. Two children to ruin. I wouldn't be here.
It isn't just all of that. I feel like I can't get out. I am stuck. Being where I am, being in the situation I am in, I have no control. I can't escape. Every time that I start to move forward, I am pushed back down, kicked in the teeth. I can't get out of this.
I am afraid that I am never going to be happy again.
In The End
I am back! Not on a good note either. The weekend was horrible, and today is proving to be bad too.
Over the weekend I had panic attacks, insomnia and massive amounts of stress. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it is becoming to keep it from my husband. I keep wishing that he would accidentally find out, but then I know that is a silly thought. I am not ready for him to find out. No, I want him to know, but financially, I am not ready. I have no job, I haven't started college yet, etc. If he ends up running out on me and our kids, then there goes my dream of college. There goes my kids good future.
I would end up having to get a job if he left, but it wouldn't be a job that would do me much good. I would be working minimum wage, wouldn't be able to afford the house I am living in. I don't think there are any houses I would be able to afford. Apartments would be where I had to go, thus losing my german shepherd mix dog in the process. I refuse to lose my dog. She has been with us for a year and a half now, adopted her when she was four weeks old. I am not abandoning her. She would be so lost without this family.
Any kind of life I could give my kids, working a dead end job, would be horrible. They would be poor. I would be poor. We would be in poverty. All my hopes and dreams would be dashed, and I wouldn't get to transition either. Transition cost money. Therapy, hormones, top surgery. It would all be completely out of my grasp, forever.
Now I know this isn't a given. I don't know how my husband is going to react to all of this. I have no idea what he is going to do, or say, or anything. I am just trying to prepare for all outcomes, and as much as I don't want to believe it, this is a possibility. Him leaving.
I have thought about telling his sister, whom I am friends with, and who we both lived with for a while. I feel like she would be on my side. She just got a degree in psychiatry, she would understand it better than he would. We are thinking about moving in with her again, sometime next years. I want to tell both of them then, but next year is so many months away. It is so hard. I can't keep hiding it.
On top of all the detrimental effects to my health, I am having trouble finding a therapist.
I have found two that see GID patients, and take my insurance. One is about ten minutes away, just down the road. I know the area, and if anything happened to my run down car, I could call someone from one of the many businesses around there.
I have an appointment with them on the 27th. They told me I would have to pay 20 dollars for a copay.
That is a problem. My husband doesn't like therapist, so I can't tell him I am going to see one for something other than trans issues. He holds the money. I don't mess with it. I can't just ask for 20 dollars. I don't know what to do.
The other therapist is 15-20 minutes away, on a drive down the interstate. I hate interstates. I have driving anxiety when I am driving in places I don't know. I don't know that area at all. I am scared to drive there. I am afraid something will happen to the car, and I don't have a cellphone. I am afraid I am going to get lost.
Everything is weighing me down right now. Everything. I am at such a loss, again.
Maybe I should tell my husband.
Maybe.
On a good note, I got my hair cut last Friday. It is nice.
Over the weekend I had panic attacks, insomnia and massive amounts of stress. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it is becoming to keep it from my husband. I keep wishing that he would accidentally find out, but then I know that is a silly thought. I am not ready for him to find out. No, I want him to know, but financially, I am not ready. I have no job, I haven't started college yet, etc. If he ends up running out on me and our kids, then there goes my dream of college. There goes my kids good future.
I would end up having to get a job if he left, but it wouldn't be a job that would do me much good. I would be working minimum wage, wouldn't be able to afford the house I am living in. I don't think there are any houses I would be able to afford. Apartments would be where I had to go, thus losing my german shepherd mix dog in the process. I refuse to lose my dog. She has been with us for a year and a half now, adopted her when she was four weeks old. I am not abandoning her. She would be so lost without this family.
Any kind of life I could give my kids, working a dead end job, would be horrible. They would be poor. I would be poor. We would be in poverty. All my hopes and dreams would be dashed, and I wouldn't get to transition either. Transition cost money. Therapy, hormones, top surgery. It would all be completely out of my grasp, forever.
Now I know this isn't a given. I don't know how my husband is going to react to all of this. I have no idea what he is going to do, or say, or anything. I am just trying to prepare for all outcomes, and as much as I don't want to believe it, this is a possibility. Him leaving.
I have thought about telling his sister, whom I am friends with, and who we both lived with for a while. I feel like she would be on my side. She just got a degree in psychiatry, she would understand it better than he would. We are thinking about moving in with her again, sometime next years. I want to tell both of them then, but next year is so many months away. It is so hard. I can't keep hiding it.
On top of all the detrimental effects to my health, I am having trouble finding a therapist.
I have found two that see GID patients, and take my insurance. One is about ten minutes away, just down the road. I know the area, and if anything happened to my run down car, I could call someone from one of the many businesses around there.
I have an appointment with them on the 27th. They told me I would have to pay 20 dollars for a copay.
That is a problem. My husband doesn't like therapist, so I can't tell him I am going to see one for something other than trans issues. He holds the money. I don't mess with it. I can't just ask for 20 dollars. I don't know what to do.
The other therapist is 15-20 minutes away, on a drive down the interstate. I hate interstates. I have driving anxiety when I am driving in places I don't know. I don't know that area at all. I am scared to drive there. I am afraid something will happen to the car, and I don't have a cellphone. I am afraid I am going to get lost.
Everything is weighing me down right now. Everything. I am at such a loss, again.
Maybe I should tell my husband.
Maybe.
On a good note, I got my hair cut last Friday. It is nice.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Send Me An Angel
Figured I should get another blog post out before the weekend hits. I didn't have anything to really talk about the past couple of days, but now I do. This probably won't be a very long post.
I feel bad. I didn't work out yesterday. I was just so tired from the other two days I worked out this week. Then my sister in law came over, and completely pulled me away from my alone time. She is going through some really hard times right now, so I can't be mad at her. She needed a shoulder to cry on, and I was happy to try and talk to her and give her advice. She is wanting to come over again today and work out with me. I don't really want her to. I prefer to work out on my own. I don't like others being there. So I am probably going to go and work out after this post, before she gets here.
We might be moving in with her. We used to live together. We lived together for around four years, five years? Something like that. We only went our own ways because her boyfriend was coming home and she wanted to move in with him. Well, long story short, he is a douche and she is alone again. She doesn't want to be alone in her house and is already having financial struggles. So it is looking like we might be moving in together again.
I am not against this. It will help with our own financial burdens, and might make me coming out easier. Or it might be harder. We will see.
So there is my short update. I am going to go and work out and watch some Torchwood.
I feel bad. I didn't work out yesterday. I was just so tired from the other two days I worked out this week. Then my sister in law came over, and completely pulled me away from my alone time. She is going through some really hard times right now, so I can't be mad at her. She needed a shoulder to cry on, and I was happy to try and talk to her and give her advice. She is wanting to come over again today and work out with me. I don't really want her to. I prefer to work out on my own. I don't like others being there. So I am probably going to go and work out after this post, before she gets here.
We might be moving in with her. We used to live together. We lived together for around four years, five years? Something like that. We only went our own ways because her boyfriend was coming home and she wanted to move in with him. Well, long story short, he is a douche and she is alone again. She doesn't want to be alone in her house and is already having financial struggles. So it is looking like we might be moving in together again.
I am not against this. It will help with our own financial burdens, and might make me coming out easier. Or it might be harder. We will see.
So there is my short update. I am going to go and work out and watch some Torchwood.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Fight Song
Happy Monday!
Really, I love Monday's. Monday's mean I can return to being Trent. I know that probably sounds silly. My kids and husband are home on the weekends. I can't take any risk, so I am unable to check my Trent e-mail, blog, Facebook, transgender support group, etc. I am stuck in my girl skin so to speak. Then as soon as I get everyone out of the house, I slip back into what feels right. Just being able to access my Facebook, or go browse my support forums, makes my entire day. Like slipping into a familiar and cozy feeling. It is amazing how much it affects me over the weekend. Most of the day, I don't actually do much with FB, my blog, or the support group. So I question why it matters. The answer is obvious. It is because I don't have the option. It is because I have to lock away a part of me that want's to be out. It is tough.
Here we are though, another week where I can be comfortable.
As you may know, last Friday was tough. My mother said a lot of hurtful things. I feel like she is on my side, but also isn't. She is accepting, but isn't. She has said many times that she hopes I get past this feeling. I can't be mad at her for that. I know she is just worried about the hardships I am going to face. I know she want's a daughter, but hey, I am her son now. She had me as daughter for 29 years. It is time to move past that. I know she will, eventually. It is a transition for everyone, not just me.
Despite how angry I got with her, and hurt she made me, there was a silver lining behind all of her words.
I went to my room and just laid there. I told myself to give up on my dreams. I told myself to just bottle it up and ignore it again, that it was too much trouble and was unobtainable. Instead of doing that though, I just started roaring louder. I am not going to give up, no matter how hard this all is.
I've got a new plan, internet. I am going to college in January. I applied on Friday. I need financial stability before I can tell my husband. I need it to be my own stability, not something he gives me. Originally I thought of just getting a job and being done with it. However, if things don't pan out, and my husband doesn't stay with me either as friends, or lovers, I would never be able to afford to live on my own. Not with some basic level job. I have two kids I have to provide for, I wouldn't be able to give them much if I wasn't an entry level job.
Not to mention top surgery. If I don't get selected for one of the medical funds, then I am going to have to fork that out on my own. 7k around. I need a good job, I need a future, I need stability.
Enter college. I am going to get a degree in sociology. I want to be a gender therapist. Not just that though, I also want to be a therapist that can help the LGBT community in my area. There is so little offered around here, and I want to change that. It kinda feels like a calling. I hope one day to start a non-profit that helps the LGBT community down here, specifically those that are trans. Being on that side of the fence, I am witnessing how hard it is do anything, to move forward, because there is no help. So I want to be the help.
Due to funds draining in our house, I might have to get some dead end job and do on-line courses for the first semester or two of college, but I am fine with that. Honestly, once I have income of my own funneling into this house, and am in college, I think I will be read to come out to my husband again. Third time is the charm.
So I keep going on guys. On and on. There is no stopping me from achieving my dream. I like this new found strength I have. Over and over I have been kicked down, and I just keep getting up. I hope it last, because the world is not friendly to my kind. This journey is long and hard, but it is so worth it.
Really, I love Monday's. Monday's mean I can return to being Trent. I know that probably sounds silly. My kids and husband are home on the weekends. I can't take any risk, so I am unable to check my Trent e-mail, blog, Facebook, transgender support group, etc. I am stuck in my girl skin so to speak. Then as soon as I get everyone out of the house, I slip back into what feels right. Just being able to access my Facebook, or go browse my support forums, makes my entire day. Like slipping into a familiar and cozy feeling. It is amazing how much it affects me over the weekend. Most of the day, I don't actually do much with FB, my blog, or the support group. So I question why it matters. The answer is obvious. It is because I don't have the option. It is because I have to lock away a part of me that want's to be out. It is tough.
Here we are though, another week where I can be comfortable.
As you may know, last Friday was tough. My mother said a lot of hurtful things. I feel like she is on my side, but also isn't. She is accepting, but isn't. She has said many times that she hopes I get past this feeling. I can't be mad at her for that. I know she is just worried about the hardships I am going to face. I know she want's a daughter, but hey, I am her son now. She had me as daughter for 29 years. It is time to move past that. I know she will, eventually. It is a transition for everyone, not just me.
Despite how angry I got with her, and hurt she made me, there was a silver lining behind all of her words.
I went to my room and just laid there. I told myself to give up on my dreams. I told myself to just bottle it up and ignore it again, that it was too much trouble and was unobtainable. Instead of doing that though, I just started roaring louder. I am not going to give up, no matter how hard this all is.
I've got a new plan, internet. I am going to college in January. I applied on Friday. I need financial stability before I can tell my husband. I need it to be my own stability, not something he gives me. Originally I thought of just getting a job and being done with it. However, if things don't pan out, and my husband doesn't stay with me either as friends, or lovers, I would never be able to afford to live on my own. Not with some basic level job. I have two kids I have to provide for, I wouldn't be able to give them much if I wasn't an entry level job.
Not to mention top surgery. If I don't get selected for one of the medical funds, then I am going to have to fork that out on my own. 7k around. I need a good job, I need a future, I need stability.
Enter college. I am going to get a degree in sociology. I want to be a gender therapist. Not just that though, I also want to be a therapist that can help the LGBT community in my area. There is so little offered around here, and I want to change that. It kinda feels like a calling. I hope one day to start a non-profit that helps the LGBT community down here, specifically those that are trans. Being on that side of the fence, I am witnessing how hard it is do anything, to move forward, because there is no help. So I want to be the help.
Due to funds draining in our house, I might have to get some dead end job and do on-line courses for the first semester or two of college, but I am fine with that. Honestly, once I have income of my own funneling into this house, and am in college, I think I will be read to come out to my husband again. Third time is the charm.
So I keep going on guys. On and on. There is no stopping me from achieving my dream. I like this new found strength I have. Over and over I have been kicked down, and I just keep getting up. I hope it last, because the world is not friendly to my kind. This journey is long and hard, but it is so worth it.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Understanding
This morning has put me through the ringer. A phone call to my mother that didn't go as planned. As I said in my post yesterday, she is accepting, but not at all understanding. The things that she has said are ridiculous. They are painful at times, and downright stupid at others.
Today I brought up the subject of when I should tell my husband. The longer it goes, the harder it is for me to say anything. She took this to mean that I was going to tell him today, apparently. She started going off. Coming up with all these things about why I shouldn't tell him.
"What if he walks out on you and leaves you there to pay bills you can't afford?" "What if he takes the kids?" "What if want's nothing to do with you? You are expecting his support, but he probably isn't going to give it."
I tried over and over to explain things to her. I know my husband. He is a very logical man. He think with his head, not his heart. He also can't drive, so how exactly is he going to leave me? Is he just going to walk off into the sunset? Is he going to hoof it with my kids? Where is he going to go? He can't afford his own place either. She says that he will go and live with one of his family members. He has two sisters and two brothers living down here. One sister is a few blocks away, but is living with her ex boyfriend, and he hates that guy.
The other sister he isn't really that close to, at all. The brothers both live way far out. He is going to college. His mind is on his career, on his school and what he is going to do. I do not believe that he would give that up just to get away from me. Not to mention, he does love his kids and want's what's best for them. I do not believe that he would just walk out on me, and leave me and our kids to suffer in poverty.
I do not have a job. I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe social anxiety when I was 16-18. I am unsure on the age. I worked for several years, but was never able to hold a job for long due to my anxiety. It made physically ill, to the point where I had to call in a lot, or go home from being sick. When I married my husband, I tried to find a job, was unsuccessful and ended up getting on social security disability. It was meant to be a temporary thing until I could conquer my anxiety. Of course, as life goes, my anxiety has only gotten worse, not better. So I have been unable to move away from that.
My husband has a job, he brings in the most money. He is supporting me and our kids. I bring in a tiny little check each month. It isn't enough for me to live on alone. He knows that. He also knows he won't be able to get himself to work if he leaves. He can't drive, never has gotten his license, so that is all on me.
I am not saying that these things won't happen. They could. They are just highly unlikely. I know my husband better than my mother does.
Then we can bring it around to her constant accusatory nature. She defends this and says she isn't being accusatory, but I don't believe that. She is always asking me if "this" as in me being who I am, is worth losing my husband over. Is it worth putting my kids through this? She doesn't understand that this is something I have to do if I ever want to be happy.
Then she started going on about how I don't have the money to do this. I need to face reality, that no matter how much I desire or want something, that doesn't mean the universe is going to bend over backwards to make it happen.
That shows how much she doesn't understand.
Today I brought up the subject of when I should tell my husband. The longer it goes, the harder it is for me to say anything. She took this to mean that I was going to tell him today, apparently. She started going off. Coming up with all these things about why I shouldn't tell him.
"What if he walks out on you and leaves you there to pay bills you can't afford?" "What if he takes the kids?" "What if want's nothing to do with you? You are expecting his support, but he probably isn't going to give it."
I tried over and over to explain things to her. I know my husband. He is a very logical man. He think with his head, not his heart. He also can't drive, so how exactly is he going to leave me? Is he just going to walk off into the sunset? Is he going to hoof it with my kids? Where is he going to go? He can't afford his own place either. She says that he will go and live with one of his family members. He has two sisters and two brothers living down here. One sister is a few blocks away, but is living with her ex boyfriend, and he hates that guy.
The other sister he isn't really that close to, at all. The brothers both live way far out. He is going to college. His mind is on his career, on his school and what he is going to do. I do not believe that he would give that up just to get away from me. Not to mention, he does love his kids and want's what's best for them. I do not believe that he would just walk out on me, and leave me and our kids to suffer in poverty.
I do not have a job. I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe social anxiety when I was 16-18. I am unsure on the age. I worked for several years, but was never able to hold a job for long due to my anxiety. It made physically ill, to the point where I had to call in a lot, or go home from being sick. When I married my husband, I tried to find a job, was unsuccessful and ended up getting on social security disability. It was meant to be a temporary thing until I could conquer my anxiety. Of course, as life goes, my anxiety has only gotten worse, not better. So I have been unable to move away from that.
My husband has a job, he brings in the most money. He is supporting me and our kids. I bring in a tiny little check each month. It isn't enough for me to live on alone. He knows that. He also knows he won't be able to get himself to work if he leaves. He can't drive, never has gotten his license, so that is all on me.
I am not saying that these things won't happen. They could. They are just highly unlikely. I know my husband better than my mother does.
Then we can bring it around to her constant accusatory nature. She defends this and says she isn't being accusatory, but I don't believe that. She is always asking me if "this" as in me being who I am, is worth losing my husband over. Is it worth putting my kids through this? She doesn't understand that this is something I have to do if I ever want to be happy.
Then she started going on about how I don't have the money to do this. I need to face reality, that no matter how much I desire or want something, that doesn't mean the universe is going to bend over backwards to make it happen.
That shows how much she doesn't understand.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Rise
Alright, so today's entry is going to have two sections. The first section will be about fitness, like I promised in my last entry. The second will be about a conversation I had with my mother today, and just how much it annoyed/hurt me.
Let's get started with fitness. So I am a big guy. I took care of myself pretty well when I was younger. I wasn't that heavy. I put on some weight when I was around 16, right around the time of my dysphoria appearing. It never left either. It only got worse with time. Now it got the absolute worse when I had my second child. I gained with my son, but I also lost with him. I was pregnant with my daughter six months after my son was born. I didn't have time, or the willpower, to lose the weight I had gained with my son. During my pregnancy with my daughter, I just just screw it, and I ate everything in sight. I got all the way up to 270 pounds before she was born. The heaviest I have ever been! After she was born I had dropped down to around 255-260.
I started several diets over the last five years. I have worked out several times. Sometimes my work out regiments would last for a month, maybe two, and then it would end. I continued to fluctuate between 230-260 for all these years. 230 is highly irregular for me though. I mostly stay between 245-255. Right now I am 260. My weight has caused me depression, but I have never had the motivation to do anything about it. Every time that I would get motivated, I would lose it. The motivation just wasn't there. Why? Because I didn't, and still don't, like the end product. Once I lose weight, I will have curves. I will have that very feminine figure that I don't want.
It took me years, but I have figured out that in a way, my weight gain has been because of my dysphoria. It is easier to be heavy, because then I don't have all those girly curves. It also added the GIGANTIC breast to me though. I currently have double d's and very bad dysphoria over them. We'll get to that later.
So once I realized that my weight was a cause of my dysphoria, I decided that I would just ignore it until I start hormones. Then it was pointed out to me that most people won't give you T (testosterone, to be referred to as T from here on out) unless you are at a healthy weight. I want to be a guy with a flat stomach and chest, good biceps and pecs. I want a six pack. I want all of that. I look at someone like this : (male model, David Gandy)
And I aspire to look like that. Yes I find him highly attractive, but I also am fiercely jealous of that body. So knowing that I have to lose weight before I can start this transition, I have started to exercise. I am going at it slowly. 15 minutes of Zumba four days a week, and then around ten minutes or so with a kettle bell five days a week. This is really little, but I need to start slow because of my weight. I don't need to have a heart attack. Soon I will be upping it to 30 minutes, but probably only after a month or so of this. Today is my one full week of working out day.
Where did I get motivation? Well, simple. I want to look like David Gandy. His body anyway. I'll never be that tan, I am pretty pale. Whereas I couldn't get motivation before, now I have it in abundance. I have no issue getting off my chubby ass and working out. When it hurts, I just put an image of the real end product in my head, and I push through it. The real end product of what I want to be, is forcing me to take care of myself. It is about time.
Alright, on we go to my conversation with my mother.
Now guys, my mother is a lesbian. No, she is bisexual apparently. She came out to me and my sister when I was seven, eight, something like that. Now, just this year, she has come out as bisexual. My mother is accepting. Kind of. She accepts that I feel this way, that I am going to change myself, but she doesn't understand it at all. I can't fault her for this. Someone that isn't trans, can't understand it. They don't know the feelings trans people have.
Today we started talking about my current issues. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I was severely depressed and just wanted to give up on this idea. So I talked to her about it today.
"Are you really willing to give up someone you love for this? Are you thinking about your kids and how this is going to affect them? Are you only doing this because you want to lose weight easier? Why can't you just ignore it and go on with your life?"
Yep. All of those were asked. If I had known she was going to ask more ridiculous questions, then I would have held off on my last entry about dumb questions.
I tried to explain to her, that I wish I could just ignore it all and go about my life. My kids safety and emotions and well being, is of the utmost importance to me. I am scared to death of how this is going to affect them. I have thought about that. A lot. I told her that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my children. That right now, I am depressed and don't see much sense in sticking around. She doesn't seem to understand that. Apparently I should put my kids before myself on everything, including my health. I already put them before everything, but this is something I have to think about myself on.
I want to still be around to raise my kids. I want to see them grow up. I want to glare at the boyfriends/girlfriends that break my kids hearts. I want to see them get married, get jobs, go to college, have children, everything. If I continue on this path I am on, then I won't be around much longer to do all of that. My health, physically, has been declining due to my weight, due to my depression. My depression stems from my dysphoria, and my depression makes me not want to take care of myself. So yes, I am going to do this so I can help my kids.
Yes I am willing to lose my husband. Do I want to? No. I definitely do not. It draws back to me wanting to stay around though. It goes back to me having to finally put myself first, and to live a little. I am not happy right now. If this is the way I can be happy, then I will take it.
Finally, hell no, I am not doing this to lose weight more easily. I am going to lose the weight before I even start T, just to prove her wrong.
These things she said though, they really hurt. She is my only ally right now, and she can't understand it. I know she won't, but she could at least drop some of the judgement out of her voice.
Until next time readers.
-T
Let's get started with fitness. So I am a big guy. I took care of myself pretty well when I was younger. I wasn't that heavy. I put on some weight when I was around 16, right around the time of my dysphoria appearing. It never left either. It only got worse with time. Now it got the absolute worse when I had my second child. I gained with my son, but I also lost with him. I was pregnant with my daughter six months after my son was born. I didn't have time, or the willpower, to lose the weight I had gained with my son. During my pregnancy with my daughter, I just just screw it, and I ate everything in sight. I got all the way up to 270 pounds before she was born. The heaviest I have ever been! After she was born I had dropped down to around 255-260.
I started several diets over the last five years. I have worked out several times. Sometimes my work out regiments would last for a month, maybe two, and then it would end. I continued to fluctuate between 230-260 for all these years. 230 is highly irregular for me though. I mostly stay between 245-255. Right now I am 260. My weight has caused me depression, but I have never had the motivation to do anything about it. Every time that I would get motivated, I would lose it. The motivation just wasn't there. Why? Because I didn't, and still don't, like the end product. Once I lose weight, I will have curves. I will have that very feminine figure that I don't want.
It took me years, but I have figured out that in a way, my weight gain has been because of my dysphoria. It is easier to be heavy, because then I don't have all those girly curves. It also added the GIGANTIC breast to me though. I currently have double d's and very bad dysphoria over them. We'll get to that later.
So once I realized that my weight was a cause of my dysphoria, I decided that I would just ignore it until I start hormones. Then it was pointed out to me that most people won't give you T (testosterone, to be referred to as T from here on out) unless you are at a healthy weight. I want to be a guy with a flat stomach and chest, good biceps and pecs. I want a six pack. I want all of that. I look at someone like this : (male model, David Gandy)
And I aspire to look like that. Yes I find him highly attractive, but I also am fiercely jealous of that body. So knowing that I have to lose weight before I can start this transition, I have started to exercise. I am going at it slowly. 15 minutes of Zumba four days a week, and then around ten minutes or so with a kettle bell five days a week. This is really little, but I need to start slow because of my weight. I don't need to have a heart attack. Soon I will be upping it to 30 minutes, but probably only after a month or so of this. Today is my one full week of working out day.
Where did I get motivation? Well, simple. I want to look like David Gandy. His body anyway. I'll never be that tan, I am pretty pale. Whereas I couldn't get motivation before, now I have it in abundance. I have no issue getting off my chubby ass and working out. When it hurts, I just put an image of the real end product in my head, and I push through it. The real end product of what I want to be, is forcing me to take care of myself. It is about time.
Alright, on we go to my conversation with my mother.
Now guys, my mother is a lesbian. No, she is bisexual apparently. She came out to me and my sister when I was seven, eight, something like that. Now, just this year, she has come out as bisexual. My mother is accepting. Kind of. She accepts that I feel this way, that I am going to change myself, but she doesn't understand it at all. I can't fault her for this. Someone that isn't trans, can't understand it. They don't know the feelings trans people have.
Today we started talking about my current issues. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I was severely depressed and just wanted to give up on this idea. So I talked to her about it today.
"Are you really willing to give up someone you love for this? Are you thinking about your kids and how this is going to affect them? Are you only doing this because you want to lose weight easier? Why can't you just ignore it and go on with your life?"
Yep. All of those were asked. If I had known she was going to ask more ridiculous questions, then I would have held off on my last entry about dumb questions.
I tried to explain to her, that I wish I could just ignore it all and go about my life. My kids safety and emotions and well being, is of the utmost importance to me. I am scared to death of how this is going to affect them. I have thought about that. A lot. I told her that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my children. That right now, I am depressed and don't see much sense in sticking around. She doesn't seem to understand that. Apparently I should put my kids before myself on everything, including my health. I already put them before everything, but this is something I have to think about myself on.
I want to still be around to raise my kids. I want to see them grow up. I want to glare at the boyfriends/girlfriends that break my kids hearts. I want to see them get married, get jobs, go to college, have children, everything. If I continue on this path I am on, then I won't be around much longer to do all of that. My health, physically, has been declining due to my weight, due to my depression. My depression stems from my dysphoria, and my depression makes me not want to take care of myself. So yes, I am going to do this so I can help my kids.
Yes I am willing to lose my husband. Do I want to? No. I definitely do not. It draws back to me wanting to stay around though. It goes back to me having to finally put myself first, and to live a little. I am not happy right now. If this is the way I can be happy, then I will take it.
Finally, hell no, I am not doing this to lose weight more easily. I am going to lose the weight before I even start T, just to prove her wrong.
These things she said though, they really hurt. She is my only ally right now, and she can't understand it. I know she won't, but she could at least drop some of the judgement out of her voice.
Until next time readers.
-T
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Things That I Didn't Sy
And I am back! Hope everyone had a great labor day weekend. As promised on Friday, I am making this post all about the stupid/ignorant/annoying questions I have gotten from those few I have told.
Most of these questions come from my mother. She is aware that I am trans. She was the person I told when I was younger, she was the person I told when it resurfaced, and she is still the only person in my life right now, that knows. My husband is of the belief that I was just being crazy when I told him, and that I am perfectly fine and not at all experiencing dysphoria. Some questions, or rather accusations, will be from him too.
Alright here we go:
"But you like heterosexual sex, so how can you think you are a man?"
This one was almost funny to me. Almost. I almost laughed. Instead I educated my dear mother. I have what I have as far as physical things go. I wish it was different, but it isn't. I have a vagina, and sex with my husband, and past boyfriends, does/did feel good. Sex with my ex girlfriend felt good. Would I prefer to have a penis and be on the opposite end of all of that? You're damn right I would! But I am currently not, so I make do with what I have.
"You like men. Are you going to be a gay man?"
Yep, really happened. I am bisexual, so my gender change won't affect my sexuality. I have heard that some men that start T suddenly start finding another gender (out of their norm) more attractive, and that may happen with me. I prefer men, always have, but I am still bisexual. If I am lucky enough to ever have a relationship (assuming my husband dumps me), it would most likely be considered a homosexual relationship, and I am fine with that.
"Are you going to take it up the butt?"
Number one, this is a very personal question. I don't see how it is anyone's business what I would do in the bedroom with another man. I informed her that no, I will not. I have never liked that kind of thing. My answer led to our next question though. As I told her I would be the giver.
"But how? You won't feel anything if you use a strap on."
There are prosthetic penises that have pleasure kits, and from what I have heard, they work really well and feel really good. So yeah, I will feel something. Even without that though, there are some people in the world (myself included) that receive pleasure from giving it.
"You like girly things."
Which I don't actually. Very few "girly" things are on my hobbies list. I play video games, I write stories, I play with my dog, I draw, I create graphics. All of that is pretty gender neutral. I love music. It is my soul. Again, neutral. I am not big on cooking, I am not crafty at all, I hate the color pink, I don't do make up or dressing up. You know what I do that is considered girly? I paint my finger nails. I will still paint my nails after I transition. Why? Because I don't believe that painting your nails is a gender exclusive thing. It is for both genders.
"You used to love make up and wearing dresses."
Yep, when I was six to around eight, I loved dresses. How does that determine anything with my life now? Like everything else in my life, I changed. I haven't worn a dress since I got married in 2009. Before that, I wore a dress to my sisters graduation ceremony in 2002. Before that, I was probably eight. I don't like dresses or skirts. I did do the make up thing for quite a while. I dropped out of the habit of always wearing it when I was around fifteen, right about the time my dysphoria started. Now I only wear it on special occasions because I feel I have to. I never was big on caking it on. I wore lipstick and eyeliner. Nothing special.
"It is just a phase."
Yep, a phase that has been with me for twelve years. Even longer if we decide to count the time when I was twelve years old and fooled a girl into "dating" me on-line where she thought I was a guy. It felt so good to be considered a guy. I might have known what was going on then if I had known about being trans, but I didn't know then.
"You're just trying to be special and get attention."
Negative attention? Because that is the kind of attention I will get. My husband fully believes this. Since I came out as bisexual on my Facebook, and got a very positive response, he believes I am doing this for attention. That is ridiculous. I am so scared of coming out when I have to. I have a lot of positive and LGBT accepting people on my "girl" Facebook. That doesn't mean they will accept it, or understand it. Trans people are highly unaccepted and misunderstood by the vast majority. The idea of having any of my friends walk out of my life, scares the hell out of me.
That is all of the questions I can think of/remember right now.
A quick update on me:
I have been in touch with a gender therapist, and they take my insurance. My next obstacle is trying to figure out how to see them without my husband finding out. Oh the joys. I am off to do my daily exercise. Gotta lose some weight before I can start my transition properly. We will talk about weight loss and getting healthy on my next post.
Most of these questions come from my mother. She is aware that I am trans. She was the person I told when I was younger, she was the person I told when it resurfaced, and she is still the only person in my life right now, that knows. My husband is of the belief that I was just being crazy when I told him, and that I am perfectly fine and not at all experiencing dysphoria. Some questions, or rather accusations, will be from him too.
Alright here we go:
"But you like heterosexual sex, so how can you think you are a man?"
This one was almost funny to me. Almost. I almost laughed. Instead I educated my dear mother. I have what I have as far as physical things go. I wish it was different, but it isn't. I have a vagina, and sex with my husband, and past boyfriends, does/did feel good. Sex with my ex girlfriend felt good. Would I prefer to have a penis and be on the opposite end of all of that? You're damn right I would! But I am currently not, so I make do with what I have.
"You like men. Are you going to be a gay man?"
Yep, really happened. I am bisexual, so my gender change won't affect my sexuality. I have heard that some men that start T suddenly start finding another gender (out of their norm) more attractive, and that may happen with me. I prefer men, always have, but I am still bisexual. If I am lucky enough to ever have a relationship (assuming my husband dumps me), it would most likely be considered a homosexual relationship, and I am fine with that.
"Are you going to take it up the butt?"
Number one, this is a very personal question. I don't see how it is anyone's business what I would do in the bedroom with another man. I informed her that no, I will not. I have never liked that kind of thing. My answer led to our next question though. As I told her I would be the giver.
"But how? You won't feel anything if you use a strap on."
There are prosthetic penises that have pleasure kits, and from what I have heard, they work really well and feel really good. So yeah, I will feel something. Even without that though, there are some people in the world (myself included) that receive pleasure from giving it.
"You like girly things."
Which I don't actually. Very few "girly" things are on my hobbies list. I play video games, I write stories, I play with my dog, I draw, I create graphics. All of that is pretty gender neutral. I love music. It is my soul. Again, neutral. I am not big on cooking, I am not crafty at all, I hate the color pink, I don't do make up or dressing up. You know what I do that is considered girly? I paint my finger nails. I will still paint my nails after I transition. Why? Because I don't believe that painting your nails is a gender exclusive thing. It is for both genders.
"You used to love make up and wearing dresses."
Yep, when I was six to around eight, I loved dresses. How does that determine anything with my life now? Like everything else in my life, I changed. I haven't worn a dress since I got married in 2009. Before that, I wore a dress to my sisters graduation ceremony in 2002. Before that, I was probably eight. I don't like dresses or skirts. I did do the make up thing for quite a while. I dropped out of the habit of always wearing it when I was around fifteen, right about the time my dysphoria started. Now I only wear it on special occasions because I feel I have to. I never was big on caking it on. I wore lipstick and eyeliner. Nothing special.
"It is just a phase."
Yep, a phase that has been with me for twelve years. Even longer if we decide to count the time when I was twelve years old and fooled a girl into "dating" me on-line where she thought I was a guy. It felt so good to be considered a guy. I might have known what was going on then if I had known about being trans, but I didn't know then.
"You're just trying to be special and get attention."
Negative attention? Because that is the kind of attention I will get. My husband fully believes this. Since I came out as bisexual on my Facebook, and got a very positive response, he believes I am doing this for attention. That is ridiculous. I am so scared of coming out when I have to. I have a lot of positive and LGBT accepting people on my "girl" Facebook. That doesn't mean they will accept it, or understand it. Trans people are highly unaccepted and misunderstood by the vast majority. The idea of having any of my friends walk out of my life, scares the hell out of me.
That is all of the questions I can think of/remember right now.
A quick update on me:
I have been in touch with a gender therapist, and they take my insurance. My next obstacle is trying to figure out how to see them without my husband finding out. Oh the joys. I am off to do my daily exercise. Gotta lose some weight before I can start my transition properly. We will talk about weight loss and getting healthy on my next post.
Friday, September 2, 2016
I Am The Light
"I am the fire, and you are the rain, washing me out, you drown out my flames." - Adam Lambert The Light
Back with another post. I won't be able to post over the weekend, so I figured I would get some more out before then. Next blog entry will probably be Tuesday.
So last time I gave you all a run down on who I am. I promised to tell some more about my current situation, shedding some light on a very dark spot in my life. So here is that tale.
I am married. Seven years now. I have a girl and a boy. 5 and 6 years old respectively. Last month I told my husband I was trans. He didn't take it well. Not at all. He went between a mixture of not believing me, to telling me that we wouldn't be able to be together if I transitioned. He is a heterosexual male, and according to him, which he repeated to me over and over again, he was not ever going to be attracted to the male form. I can't be mad at him for this. He is wired a certain way, and his sexuality isn't going to change. It would be like asking a homosexual person to suddenly start liking the opposite gender. It isn't doable. People can't change their sexuality.
I know that, but I have a hard time accepting his words regardless. I can't fully understand it myself, because I have always identified as bisexual. If our tables were turned, and he came to me and said he was trans, and was going to become a woman, I would still love him. I would still be with him. I prefer men, always have, probably always will. I prefer sexual encounters with me, I prefer relationships with men, so if he were to transition to reflect the way he felt in side, and have female genitalia, I would still be with him. I might prefer men, but my heart belongs to him. We have shared seven great years together, we have children, he makes me laugh and is always there for me.
That apparently isn't enough for him though. I hate it, but I can't change it. Not wanting to lose him, I put myself back in the closet, told him he was right and that I was wrong and tired to ignore the yearnings.
They haven't left. He isn't right. I am. I know myself far more than he does. He believes that I am just jumping on some make believe band wagon, because being trans is "the in" thing right now. If that were the case, then I question why I felt this way when I was sixteen, before trans was as accepted as it is now. Which by the way, is still hardly any acceptance in today's world, but there was even less back then. I am not jumping on any stupid bandwagons. This is who I am, and I can't help it.
He is currently in college, trying to make all of our lives better. I cherish and adore him for all of the sacrifices he has made for this family. He has a year and a half left. He has kept a 4.0 GPA through the many semesters he has gone. That isn't easy either considering he is getting a dual degree in physics and computer science. He has done it. He is very stressed out, all the time. I refuse to add to his stress levels by bringing this up again.
So until he is done with college, I can't come out and stay out.
Yes, I will be coming out, and he will not be putting me back in the closet. If I lose him, then I lose him. That sounds cold hearted, but I assure you that I do not want that, and losing him would tear my world apart. However, I can't keep living like this. Living this lie, pretending to be happy when I am really not. I have severe depression and social anxiety that most likely stems from my dysphoria. The longer this goes on, the more it is going to hurt, the more that I am going to need to transition.
I hope that just maybe, he will see that I am serious, and we can work something out. Even a platonic relationship is better than nothing. If not, well, I will have had several fantastic years with him, something I will never forget.
You can expect post from me about these types of struggles. It isn't easy hiding Trent, the real me. I have to though. It is my choice to not wreck his life until he finishes college. I refuse to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So until that time comes, I struggle, in silence.
This blog is my outlet. A transgender support forum is my outlet. The facebook account that I made under the name of Trent, is my outlet. It is all that I have.
Next time I will talk about the stupid questions I have been asked by the few sources I have come out to.
Back with another post. I won't be able to post over the weekend, so I figured I would get some more out before then. Next blog entry will probably be Tuesday.
So last time I gave you all a run down on who I am. I promised to tell some more about my current situation, shedding some light on a very dark spot in my life. So here is that tale.
I am married. Seven years now. I have a girl and a boy. 5 and 6 years old respectively. Last month I told my husband I was trans. He didn't take it well. Not at all. He went between a mixture of not believing me, to telling me that we wouldn't be able to be together if I transitioned. He is a heterosexual male, and according to him, which he repeated to me over and over again, he was not ever going to be attracted to the male form. I can't be mad at him for this. He is wired a certain way, and his sexuality isn't going to change. It would be like asking a homosexual person to suddenly start liking the opposite gender. It isn't doable. People can't change their sexuality.
I know that, but I have a hard time accepting his words regardless. I can't fully understand it myself, because I have always identified as bisexual. If our tables were turned, and he came to me and said he was trans, and was going to become a woman, I would still love him. I would still be with him. I prefer men, always have, probably always will. I prefer sexual encounters with me, I prefer relationships with men, so if he were to transition to reflect the way he felt in side, and have female genitalia, I would still be with him. I might prefer men, but my heart belongs to him. We have shared seven great years together, we have children, he makes me laugh and is always there for me.
That apparently isn't enough for him though. I hate it, but I can't change it. Not wanting to lose him, I put myself back in the closet, told him he was right and that I was wrong and tired to ignore the yearnings.
They haven't left. He isn't right. I am. I know myself far more than he does. He believes that I am just jumping on some make believe band wagon, because being trans is "the in" thing right now. If that were the case, then I question why I felt this way when I was sixteen, before trans was as accepted as it is now. Which by the way, is still hardly any acceptance in today's world, but there was even less back then. I am not jumping on any stupid bandwagons. This is who I am, and I can't help it.
He is currently in college, trying to make all of our lives better. I cherish and adore him for all of the sacrifices he has made for this family. He has a year and a half left. He has kept a 4.0 GPA through the many semesters he has gone. That isn't easy either considering he is getting a dual degree in physics and computer science. He has done it. He is very stressed out, all the time. I refuse to add to his stress levels by bringing this up again.
So until he is done with college, I can't come out and stay out.
Yes, I will be coming out, and he will not be putting me back in the closet. If I lose him, then I lose him. That sounds cold hearted, but I assure you that I do not want that, and losing him would tear my world apart. However, I can't keep living like this. Living this lie, pretending to be happy when I am really not. I have severe depression and social anxiety that most likely stems from my dysphoria. The longer this goes on, the more it is going to hurt, the more that I am going to need to transition.
I hope that just maybe, he will see that I am serious, and we can work something out. Even a platonic relationship is better than nothing. If not, well, I will have had several fantastic years with him, something I will never forget.
You can expect post from me about these types of struggles. It isn't easy hiding Trent, the real me. I have to though. It is my choice to not wreck his life until he finishes college. I refuse to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So until that time comes, I struggle, in silence.
This blog is my outlet. A transgender support forum is my outlet. The facebook account that I made under the name of Trent, is my outlet. It is all that I have.
Next time I will talk about the stupid questions I have been asked by the few sources I have come out to.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
There I Said It
Hey, welcome to my blog, That T Word. You might be asking yourself, "what T word". Toilet paper? Tissue? Trust? Truths? No, none of those T words. Transgender is the T word I am referring to.
Hi. My birth given name is Brittany. My name here is Trent. I am transgender. A female to eventual male. I am FTM (female to male). For some that aren't all that familiar with the transgender community, no, I do not have to have transitioned to be considered FTM. I have not transitioned, and will not be able to for a few years. This blog is going to be about all of that. My life, my issues, my acceptance of who I am, the acceptance or disapproval of others in my life. The internet is my only outlet, my safe place. I would like to keep this blog as a safe haven. Any rude comments will be deleted.
Now let's get down to business. My name is Trent. I am 29 years old, just turned 29 in early August. My story begins when I was sixteen. You see, the media likes to pretend that all transgender people know at a very young age that something is off, that they don't fit, but that isn't true for all of us. Not at all. I spent the first sixteen years of my life completely happy with who I was. I was carefree, spirited, had so many good friends and just really loved being a girl. My parents divorced when I was three, so my mother was the one raising me and my older sister. When I was ten she moved us to another city, I made new friends and kept going on. Then when I was just about to turn fourteen, we moved back to our hometown.
That triggered some issues for me. I became introverted, incredibly shy, depressed, and not at all like I used to be. I had brain surgery for a tumor when I was fourteen. My sister claims that I was never the same after that surgery. I agree, I wasn't. I am not saying the brain surgery did this by the way, not by any means. Puberty and growing up was what triggered my gender dysphoria.
So I went on with my little life, thinking I was a lesbian, thinking I was bisexual, just going through the passes. I was very boy crazy, so I will never understand how I thought I was a lesbian, but that was what my teenage years consisted of. A lot of questioning.
Eventually I got hooked on Male on Male relations. Intimacy and otherwise. I don't how or when it started, but it did. I was in love with Queer as Folk. At first it started out as just an innocent thing. Like other "normal" girls that found two men erotic, I thought I was normal too. Then things shifted. I realized I didn't just want to watch two men, I wanted to BE one of those men. I wanted to be with a man, as a man. Not a woman. I wanted to be in a homosexual relationship, with a man, which was just not possible. Through research and inner searching, I found transgender.
It clicked. It felt right. I was transgender. I came out to my mother. She supported me. I started to dress in a more manly fashion. I never dressed girly in my teen years anyway, so it wasn't that much of a stretch. I was heavy, so I wore baggy clothes, men's deodorant and underwear. It felt so wonderful. That went on for two years. I was only out to my mother and sister, and just barely. I still had people using female pronouns and my female name, because I couldn't fully transition anyway. I lived in the south (still do) and was in high school. There was no way I wanted trouble.
I looked into a lot of things during that time. I was very seriously considering getting SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) and was making all the proper plans on saving the money for the procedure. Then I met someone. My first official boyfriend, shortly after I turned 18.
He changed everything. I didn't think I was trans anymore, because I enjoyed our sexual life just fine. I thought I was wrong about being trans, and that I was actually just a straight female. That went on for years. Over ten years to be exact.
Then, what do you know, my feelings reemerged. I am now married. Have been for seven years. I have two children, one boy, one girl. Five and six. I love my husband. I do. He is amazing and is my everything, but... feelings starting arising. How desperately I wanted to be with him as a man, and not a woman. I broached the subject of us doing something like that, switching roles in the bedroom. He wasn't against the idea, having never done anything like that, he couldn't say if he would hate it or not. That idea though, it made everything reemerge.
I did even more research, and here I am. I am transgender. I want to be a man. I will be a man. One day. Baby steps.
Next time I write, I will write more about my current situation and how things are going.
Hi. My birth given name is Brittany. My name here is Trent. I am transgender. A female to eventual male. I am FTM (female to male). For some that aren't all that familiar with the transgender community, no, I do not have to have transitioned to be considered FTM. I have not transitioned, and will not be able to for a few years. This blog is going to be about all of that. My life, my issues, my acceptance of who I am, the acceptance or disapproval of others in my life. The internet is my only outlet, my safe place. I would like to keep this blog as a safe haven. Any rude comments will be deleted.
Now let's get down to business. My name is Trent. I am 29 years old, just turned 29 in early August. My story begins when I was sixteen. You see, the media likes to pretend that all transgender people know at a very young age that something is off, that they don't fit, but that isn't true for all of us. Not at all. I spent the first sixteen years of my life completely happy with who I was. I was carefree, spirited, had so many good friends and just really loved being a girl. My parents divorced when I was three, so my mother was the one raising me and my older sister. When I was ten she moved us to another city, I made new friends and kept going on. Then when I was just about to turn fourteen, we moved back to our hometown.
That triggered some issues for me. I became introverted, incredibly shy, depressed, and not at all like I used to be. I had brain surgery for a tumor when I was fourteen. My sister claims that I was never the same after that surgery. I agree, I wasn't. I am not saying the brain surgery did this by the way, not by any means. Puberty and growing up was what triggered my gender dysphoria.
So I went on with my little life, thinking I was a lesbian, thinking I was bisexual, just going through the passes. I was very boy crazy, so I will never understand how I thought I was a lesbian, but that was what my teenage years consisted of. A lot of questioning.
Eventually I got hooked on Male on Male relations. Intimacy and otherwise. I don't how or when it started, but it did. I was in love with Queer as Folk. At first it started out as just an innocent thing. Like other "normal" girls that found two men erotic, I thought I was normal too. Then things shifted. I realized I didn't just want to watch two men, I wanted to BE one of those men. I wanted to be with a man, as a man. Not a woman. I wanted to be in a homosexual relationship, with a man, which was just not possible. Through research and inner searching, I found transgender.
It clicked. It felt right. I was transgender. I came out to my mother. She supported me. I started to dress in a more manly fashion. I never dressed girly in my teen years anyway, so it wasn't that much of a stretch. I was heavy, so I wore baggy clothes, men's deodorant and underwear. It felt so wonderful. That went on for two years. I was only out to my mother and sister, and just barely. I still had people using female pronouns and my female name, because I couldn't fully transition anyway. I lived in the south (still do) and was in high school. There was no way I wanted trouble.
I looked into a lot of things during that time. I was very seriously considering getting SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) and was making all the proper plans on saving the money for the procedure. Then I met someone. My first official boyfriend, shortly after I turned 18.
He changed everything. I didn't think I was trans anymore, because I enjoyed our sexual life just fine. I thought I was wrong about being trans, and that I was actually just a straight female. That went on for years. Over ten years to be exact.
Then, what do you know, my feelings reemerged. I am now married. Have been for seven years. I have two children, one boy, one girl. Five and six. I love my husband. I do. He is amazing and is my everything, but... feelings starting arising. How desperately I wanted to be with him as a man, and not a woman. I broached the subject of us doing something like that, switching roles in the bedroom. He wasn't against the idea, having never done anything like that, he couldn't say if he would hate it or not. That idea though, it made everything reemerge.
I did even more research, and here I am. I am transgender. I want to be a man. I will be a man. One day. Baby steps.
Next time I write, I will write more about my current situation and how things are going.
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