I Am The Light

"I am the fire, and you are the rain, washing me out, you drown out my flames." - Adam Lambert The Light



Back with another post. I won't be able to post over the weekend, so I figured I would get some more out before then. Next blog entry will probably be Tuesday.

So last time I gave you all a run down on who I am. I promised to tell some more about my current situation, shedding some light on a very dark spot in my life. So here is that tale.

I am married. Seven years now. I have a girl and a boy. 5 and 6 years old respectively. Last month I told my husband I was trans. He didn't take it well. Not at all. He went between a mixture of not believing me, to telling me that we wouldn't be able to be together if I transitioned. He is a heterosexual male, and according to him, which he repeated to me over and over again, he was not ever going to be attracted to the male form. I can't be mad at him for this. He is wired a certain way, and his sexuality isn't going to change. It would be like asking a homosexual person to suddenly start liking the opposite gender. It isn't doable. People can't change their sexuality.

I know that, but I have a hard time accepting his words regardless. I can't fully understand it myself, because I have always identified as bisexual. If our tables were turned, and he came to me and said he was trans, and was going to become a woman, I would still love him. I would still be with him. I prefer men, always have, probably always will. I prefer sexual encounters with me, I prefer relationships with men, so if he were to transition to reflect the way he felt in side, and have female genitalia, I would still be with him. I might prefer men, but my heart belongs to him. We have shared seven great years together, we have children, he makes me laugh and is always there for me.

That apparently isn't enough for him though. I hate it, but I can't change it. Not wanting to lose him, I put myself back in the closet, told him he was right and that I was wrong and tired to ignore the yearnings.

They haven't left. He isn't right. I am. I know myself far more than he does. He believes that I am just jumping on some make believe band wagon, because being trans is "the in" thing right now. If that were the case, then I question why I felt this way when I was sixteen, before trans was as accepted as it is now. Which by the way, is still hardly any acceptance in today's world, but there was even less back then. I am not jumping on any stupid bandwagons. This is who I am, and I can't help it.

He is currently in college, trying to make all of our lives better. I cherish and adore him for all of the sacrifices he has made for this family. He has a year and a half left. He has kept a 4.0 GPA through the many semesters he has gone. That isn't easy either considering he is getting a dual degree in physics and computer science. He has done it. He is very stressed out, all the time. I refuse to add to his stress levels by bringing this up again.

So until he is done with college, I can't come out and stay out.

Yes, I will be coming out, and he will not be putting me back in the closet. If I lose him, then I lose him. That sounds cold hearted, but I assure you that I do not want that, and losing him would tear my world apart. However, I can't keep living like this. Living this lie, pretending to be happy when I am really not. I have severe depression and social anxiety that most likely stems from my dysphoria. The longer this goes on, the more it is going to hurt, the more that I am going to need to transition.

I hope that just maybe, he will see that I am serious, and we can work something out. Even a platonic relationship is better than nothing. If not, well, I will have had several fantastic years with him, something I will never forget.

You can expect post from me about these types of struggles. It isn't easy hiding Trent, the real me. I have to though. It is my choice to not wreck his life until he finishes college. I refuse to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So until that time comes, I struggle, in silence.

This blog is my outlet. A transgender support forum is my outlet. The facebook account that I made under the name of Trent, is my outlet. It is all that I have.

Next time I will talk about the stupid questions I have been asked by the few sources I have come out to.