Fight Song

Happy Monday!

Really, I love Monday's. Monday's mean I can return to being Trent. I know that probably sounds silly. My kids and husband are home on the weekends. I can't take any risk, so I am unable to check my Trent e-mail, blog, Facebook, transgender support group, etc. I am stuck in my girl skin so to speak. Then as soon as I get everyone out of the house, I slip back into what feels right. Just being able to access my Facebook, or go browse my support forums, makes my entire day. Like slipping into a familiar and cozy feeling. It is amazing how much it affects me over the weekend. Most of the day, I don't actually do much with FB, my blog, or the support group. So I question why it matters. The answer is obvious. It is because I don't have the option. It is because I have to lock away a part of me that want's to be out. It is tough.

Here we are though, another week where I can be comfortable.

As you may know, last Friday was tough. My mother said a lot of hurtful things. I feel like she is on my side, but also isn't. She is accepting, but isn't. She has said many times that she hopes I get past this feeling. I can't be mad at her for that. I know she is just worried about the hardships I am going to face. I know she want's a daughter, but hey, I am her son now. She had me as daughter for 29 years. It is time to move past that. I know she will, eventually. It is a transition for everyone, not just me.

Despite how angry I got with her, and hurt she made me, there was a silver lining behind all of her words.

I went to my room and just laid there. I told myself to give up on my dreams. I told myself to just bottle it up and ignore it again, that it was too much trouble and was unobtainable. Instead of doing that though, I just started roaring louder. I am not going to give up, no matter how hard this all is.

I've got a new plan, internet. I am going to college in January. I applied on Friday. I need financial stability before I can tell my husband. I need it to be my own stability, not something he gives me. Originally I thought of just getting a job and being done with it. However, if things don't pan out, and my husband doesn't stay with me either as friends, or lovers, I would never be able to afford to live on my own. Not with some basic level job. I have two kids I have to provide for, I wouldn't be able to give them much if I wasn't an entry level job.

Not to mention top surgery. If I don't get selected for one of the medical funds, then I am going to have to fork that out on my own. 7k around. I need a good job, I need a future, I need stability.

Enter college. I am going to get a degree in sociology. I want to be a gender therapist. Not just that though, I also want to be a therapist that can help the LGBT community in my area. There is so little offered around here, and I want to change that. It kinda feels like a calling. I hope one day to start a non-profit that helps the LGBT community down here, specifically those that are trans. Being on that side of the fence, I am witnessing how hard it is do anything, to move forward, because there is no help. So I want to be the help.

Due to funds draining in our house, I might have to get some dead end job and do on-line courses for the first semester or two of college, but I am fine with that. Honestly, once I have income of my own funneling into this house, and am in college, I think I will be read to come out to my husband again. Third time is the charm.

So I keep going on guys. On and on. There is no stopping me from achieving my dream. I like this new found strength I have. Over and over I have been kicked down, and I just keep getting up. I hope it last, because the world is not friendly to my kind. This journey is long and hard, but it is so worth it.