Huge Post

So this is almost a week later than I said I would write it. I got internet again on last Thursday, and well, I honestly just spend time on the internet doing other things. Being without it was such crap, but I have it now.

Okay, so some of the stuff I might write about in this entry, could be a bit TMI. At this moment I do not know if I am going to talk about it or not, so I am just giving fair warning in case I do talk about it. I will denote the TMI section with ** so you can skip it if you prefer.


Alright, so like I said in my last mini update. I moved out, living with my sister in law, blah blah blah. I told my husband that I thought we should be separated so I could figure myself out. Which is true. I do want to figure myself out, but I know that I won't ever be getting back with him. He doesn't know that. Part of him believes that we will get back together one day. I think he pretty much knows that we aren't, but he is holding onto a small sliver of hope. It hasn't been easy on him, and I feel really bad for the pain he is going through. I can't not do this though. If I go back, then I will be forced to never live as I want, as I need, and our marriage will never be happy. I would be miserable for the rest of my life, and he would end up falling into it too. He might realize it, but I am saving him from a world of pain. It hurts now, but eventually it won't. If I stayed, it would hurt for the rest of our lives.

The first day was hard. My mother and sister came down from the city they live in, and they helped me move all of my stuff. It was all fine and dandy until they were gone. Then it hit me, what I had done. I was scared out of my mind. I was depressed and panicky. I started nitpicking everything that was wrong with my SIL (sister in law) house. The toilet is too small, the seat moves around, the bed she gave me is so uncomfortable, it is hot in here. The worst part though, was my kids. I didn't, and still don't, have room for their beds. So I didn't bring them. The plan was for them to sleep in my full size bed with me. They would take turns. One would sleep with me, the other would sleep on the couch. The idea of that being the situation was very upsetting for me. It didn't feel right.

So I finally talked my husband into giving me money so I could buy necessities. That night the kids and I went out to the store. I bought myself some boxer briefs, which made me a happy man. I also bought an inflatable mattress that was kid size. They only had one, so I only got one. Just having that single item made me feel so much better. My kids had a bed! They took turns for two nights. One in my bed, one in their bed. Then I ended up going and buying another of those mattresses and now they both have their own beds. The kids love the beds, and say they are super comfortable. Parenting win.

Getting the internet back really helped. I would sit around, with nothing to distract me, and dwell on things that weren't going well. Luckily I got out of that.

On the husband front, things are weird. He obviously want's to get back together, and has fallen into depression heavily on the weekends. He has messaged me on Facebook about how sad he is, he has called me and talked for hours. I don't ever know what to do. I just tell him I am sorry, because I am, and tell him to take everything one day at a time. Then suddenly, sometime last week, things shifted. Now all I hear about is sex. Sex this, sex that. Everything out of his mouth is sexual innuendo, or blatant sexual remarks. He tried to get me into bed with him when I went over to his house last week to watch American Horror Story. I told him no, and I left.

However, last night I went over to watch an episode we hadn't seen yet. It went just fine, we watched the show. He had mentioned over the weekend that he wanted to create happy memories for our final chapter. I liked the fact that he was seemingly coming to terms with it and accepting it, so I agreed. I told him we could cuddle, nothing more. Well we cuddled. **And then things got bad. He gave me a back massage, and I was ready to leave, but oh no. Sex happened instead. I didn't really want it to, but I also felt like maybe if I just did that, then he might feel better. It was stupid. I shouldn't have done so, and I felt miserable afterwards. I still feel pretty down about it. I worry that it is going to send the wrong signal to him, and honestly, having sex with him confirmed several things. Number one, I don't have feelings for him like I used to, at all. Number two, I don't really want to have sex like that ever again. It was awkward for me, and all I could think was how better it would be if the roles were reversed.**

On the trans side of things, I am feeling a bit down. I got my binder though! I got a free binder and packer from the Purple Hat Brigade. They are amazing! I accidentally ordered a packer instead of a STP, so I was a bit disappointed when all I got was the packer, when I was thinking I was finally going to get my STP. Oh well though, that was my fault, not theirs, and I do like the packer. My original binder was too small. I ordered one several sizes too small from gc2b. I sent it back and ordered the right size, had to pay shipping. The new binder is perfect. I have a big chest so it doesn't flatten  all the way, but it makes me feel better. I don't think I pass for anything, so the binder is less for making me pass, and more for me to feel better in my own body.

The down parts of everything is that I don't feel well. I know I don't pass. I look like a very butch lesbian, and it is upsetting. I want to skip this in between stuff, but I know I can't. I want to be on T, but at the same time, I am not ready. Everything going on with me and my husband, means that the timing has to be right on when I start T. I am not ready for that. Once I start, he will know that there is no going back for us, and that is something I want, but I want it to happen once I am sure there isn't going to be some kind of fallout with my SIL.

Oh yeah, her? Two to three weeks before I moved in, her ex boyfriend moved out. He has a dirt bag, has treated her like crap. They got together a month before he was put in jail for four or five years. She stayed by him the whole time, even though he was a complete douche that was talking to other women the whole time. Then he got out, moved in with her, everything was great for the first two months. Then he started seeing another woman, cheated on her multiple times, and eventually broke up with but remained living with her so he could mooch. He doesn't have a job, has no car of his own, and she is more than willing to take care of him.

I thought that since he had moved out, he wasn't going to be an issue. Then he came over yesterday and apparently told my SIL that he want's to "come back home". I am sitting over here like "you need to back the hell up." If my SIL lets him move back in, I will have to move out. I have no idea where I would go, so I am really hoping she comes to her senses.