Activism

Internet!

Been a little while, but I am back again. It is pretty amazing how much better my life is going. I don't feel the need to write as much because of it. Writing is so very therapeutic, and lately I just haven't needed it. I don't need it right now, but I also know I have at least a few people reading this blog. People that might be interested in hearing what is going on with my life lately. So here I am to give some updates, and also to talk about some pretty exciting things I am trying to get in place. Life is full of ideas, it is just getting them to bloom that is the problem.

So Trump became President-Elect of America. This has shaken up the LGBT community, as can be imagined. It shook me to my very core. I won't lie, I cried when I read the news on Wednesday morning. I tossed and turned all night, and kept telling myself that when I woke, Hillary Clinton would be president. That wasn't the case though. My son cried when he was told the news. Even at almost seven years old, he knew that it wasn't a good thing. I was scared. I still am, but I was more afraid that morning. I immediately thought about going back into the closet. I thought life would just be easier if I put on my cis face and ignored what I was. I had done it before, I could surely do it again.

Then I got on Facebook, and I saw the panic. I saw so much fear. I saw people so afraid that they were contemplating suicide, and some actually did complete that contemplation. It was too much. I refused to give into my fear. I decided to fight. I wrote a short bit about it, about my own fear, the fear of the community and gave a rallying call for people to not give into that fear. I submitted the article to FTM Magazine. I went to my therapy appointment the next morning with a renewed sense of pride. I am a trans man, and am fucking happy to be who I am! Trump isn't going to put me back in the closet.

The problem is though, that he is going to try. People are scared. I want to help them. I have this need to help, to protect, to fight. It is like a fire that has been lit inside and it isn't going out. I don't know how to become an advocate. I don't know how to get my words heard, but I am trying. My first step was creating a Facebook page. Trent the Transman was born. A public figure, no real face to show, but one to stand up for the LGBT community against hatred and bigotry. I have vowed, to myself, to fight against it all. The page is my first step, but it isn't my last.

I have a meeting with the leader of LTA, or Louisiana Trans Advocates on Monday. I am going to be talking to her to figure out what all I can do on a local scale. I want to help people here especially. I know there are transgender people in this city, I know their are gay, lesbian, and bisexual people in this city. I know there are people in minorities that are scared, that need a voice to protect them, and Trent the Transman is that voice!

I am going to create a second blog, one that is specifically for my activism and will be sharing what I write on the FB page. Some of what I have written here will be my first post on that blog. It is time that I be heard, that the trans community be heard. I am not afraid of who I am. I was for a longtime, but that fear has gone.

I came out on FB on Wednesday. Several of my friends had announced their vote for Trump, and it shook me. How could a friend of mine vote for him? Then I realized something. I wasn't out to most of them. The one friend that I told I was trans to, and still voted for Trump, had hurt me of course, but her words floated back to me. Only days before the election she was asking me about my transition. She said to me that she accepted me, but that it was hard to believe someone she knew was trans. Trans people were people she would hear about in the media, or something another distant friend of hers knew, it was never someone she knew personally. That lit another fire in me.

The fire to make everyone in my life realize the reality. They knew a trans person. They were friends, family, acquaintances, with a trans man. So I came out. I put my face out there, told them all who I was. No one has unfriended me, so I feel that not everyone has seen it yet. I am awaiting my mother telling my grandmother so I can change my Facebook name. Then everyone will know. As they should too. I wanted my coming out to be silent, but then Trump changed everything. I WILL NOT BE SILENT.

In less dramatic news, my article that I wrote and gave to FTM Magazine, is being published. I got the news on Thursday. I will link it here on my blog once it is up.

I think I am good now for the day. Time to go and set up my other blog.

See ya later internet!

All the Changes

Lots has happened internet!

The husband and I had a major break through. He has accepted that I am going to do this. He wants to remain friends, possibly roommates in the future. We've had a few ups and downs since this revelation, but for the most part, things have been really great. He isn't happy about it of course, but he is accepting that he can't change it. That is definitely a step in the right direction.

I talked to my therapist on Monday about getting on T. Since I am overweight and need help losing it, or rather, need motivation to start trying, we came up with a plan. It was my idea, and she agreed. Once I lose fifty pounds, she will give me my letter for T. I have been working on since Monday. Lost three pounds already. Probably come off pretty quick in the beginning, and slowly taper off. I am thinking March or April and I will be getting my letter. I am very excited about that. I still don't have a doctor though. All of the doctors I called aren't taking on new patients until January. So I will be calling again around that time. I am nervous around getting on though. They are going to have to know about me being trans, and I am worried about discrimination. I also have to find an endocrinologist that will take my insurance, and not be a biased asshole.

Sadly the only one I have seen that is being referred to by the trans community here, doesn't take my insurance.

Oh and the trans community! I am going to my first support group meeting on Sunday. They meet once a month, the first Sunday of every month. I can't wait. I talked to the president of the local branch for over an hour. She was really great. Very funny, gave me great advice, and told me about the meetings.

I found an on-line medical fund thing by Point of Pride. They select two people every year and donate money to go towards those two people's gender surgeries. I am applying for it this year. It was recommended that I get a letter from my therapist, and she sent it to me today. She called me by my new name, and gave me the full diagnosis of gender dysphoria. It was really great.

On top of that, my husband bought me my first STP (stand to pee device). I nearly died. He just bought it, knowing I wanted one, and even put my new name down for who it was being delivered too. That was really huge! He even hinted at getting me one of the really nice prosthetic from FreeToM when he has the money. I don't know what happened there, but it means so much to me that he is getting on board. It means so much to me that he still wants me in his life, even just as friends.

That's all I have for now. Sorry it took me so long to update, I've been lazy.

Huge Post

So this is almost a week later than I said I would write it. I got internet again on last Thursday, and well, I honestly just spend time on the internet doing other things. Being without it was such crap, but I have it now.

Okay, so some of the stuff I might write about in this entry, could be a bit TMI. At this moment I do not know if I am going to talk about it or not, so I am just giving fair warning in case I do talk about it. I will denote the TMI section with ** so you can skip it if you prefer.


Alright, so like I said in my last mini update. I moved out, living with my sister in law, blah blah blah. I told my husband that I thought we should be separated so I could figure myself out. Which is true. I do want to figure myself out, but I know that I won't ever be getting back with him. He doesn't know that. Part of him believes that we will get back together one day. I think he pretty much knows that we aren't, but he is holding onto a small sliver of hope. It hasn't been easy on him, and I feel really bad for the pain he is going through. I can't not do this though. If I go back, then I will be forced to never live as I want, as I need, and our marriage will never be happy. I would be miserable for the rest of my life, and he would end up falling into it too. He might realize it, but I am saving him from a world of pain. It hurts now, but eventually it won't. If I stayed, it would hurt for the rest of our lives.

The first day was hard. My mother and sister came down from the city they live in, and they helped me move all of my stuff. It was all fine and dandy until they were gone. Then it hit me, what I had done. I was scared out of my mind. I was depressed and panicky. I started nitpicking everything that was wrong with my SIL (sister in law) house. The toilet is too small, the seat moves around, the bed she gave me is so uncomfortable, it is hot in here. The worst part though, was my kids. I didn't, and still don't, have room for their beds. So I didn't bring them. The plan was for them to sleep in my full size bed with me. They would take turns. One would sleep with me, the other would sleep on the couch. The idea of that being the situation was very upsetting for me. It didn't feel right.

So I finally talked my husband into giving me money so I could buy necessities. That night the kids and I went out to the store. I bought myself some boxer briefs, which made me a happy man. I also bought an inflatable mattress that was kid size. They only had one, so I only got one. Just having that single item made me feel so much better. My kids had a bed! They took turns for two nights. One in my bed, one in their bed. Then I ended up going and buying another of those mattresses and now they both have their own beds. The kids love the beds, and say they are super comfortable. Parenting win.

Getting the internet back really helped. I would sit around, with nothing to distract me, and dwell on things that weren't going well. Luckily I got out of that.

On the husband front, things are weird. He obviously want's to get back together, and has fallen into depression heavily on the weekends. He has messaged me on Facebook about how sad he is, he has called me and talked for hours. I don't ever know what to do. I just tell him I am sorry, because I am, and tell him to take everything one day at a time. Then suddenly, sometime last week, things shifted. Now all I hear about is sex. Sex this, sex that. Everything out of his mouth is sexual innuendo, or blatant sexual remarks. He tried to get me into bed with him when I went over to his house last week to watch American Horror Story. I told him no, and I left.

However, last night I went over to watch an episode we hadn't seen yet. It went just fine, we watched the show. He had mentioned over the weekend that he wanted to create happy memories for our final chapter. I liked the fact that he was seemingly coming to terms with it and accepting it, so I agreed. I told him we could cuddle, nothing more. Well we cuddled. **And then things got bad. He gave me a back massage, and I was ready to leave, but oh no. Sex happened instead. I didn't really want it to, but I also felt like maybe if I just did that, then he might feel better. It was stupid. I shouldn't have done so, and I felt miserable afterwards. I still feel pretty down about it. I worry that it is going to send the wrong signal to him, and honestly, having sex with him confirmed several things. Number one, I don't have feelings for him like I used to, at all. Number two, I don't really want to have sex like that ever again. It was awkward for me, and all I could think was how better it would be if the roles were reversed.**

On the trans side of things, I am feeling a bit down. I got my binder though! I got a free binder and packer from the Purple Hat Brigade. They are amazing! I accidentally ordered a packer instead of a STP, so I was a bit disappointed when all I got was the packer, when I was thinking I was finally going to get my STP. Oh well though, that was my fault, not theirs, and I do like the packer. My original binder was too small. I ordered one several sizes too small from gc2b. I sent it back and ordered the right size, had to pay shipping. The new binder is perfect. I have a big chest so it doesn't flatten  all the way, but it makes me feel better. I don't think I pass for anything, so the binder is less for making me pass, and more for me to feel better in my own body.

The down parts of everything is that I don't feel well. I know I don't pass. I look like a very butch lesbian, and it is upsetting. I want to skip this in between stuff, but I know I can't. I want to be on T, but at the same time, I am not ready. Everything going on with me and my husband, means that the timing has to be right on when I start T. I am not ready for that. Once I start, he will know that there is no going back for us, and that is something I want, but I want it to happen once I am sure there isn't going to be some kind of fallout with my SIL.

Oh yeah, her? Two to three weeks before I moved in, her ex boyfriend moved out. He has a dirt bag, has treated her like crap. They got together a month before he was put in jail for four or five years. She stayed by him the whole time, even though he was a complete douche that was talking to other women the whole time. Then he got out, moved in with her, everything was great for the first two months. Then he started seeing another woman, cheated on her multiple times, and eventually broke up with but remained living with her so he could mooch. He doesn't have a job, has no car of his own, and she is more than willing to take care of him.

I thought that since he had moved out, he wasn't going to be an issue. Then he came over yesterday and apparently told my SIL that he want's to "come back home". I am sitting over here like "you need to back the hell up." If my SIL lets him move back in, I will have to move out. I have no idea where I would go, so I am really hoping she comes to her senses.

I'm free

Hey internet!!! Big news today. I moved out. I moved out on Tuesday. Right now I have no internet. I am using my phone's WiFi. So excuse any spelling or grammatical errors.

I am living with my sister in law. With my kids and dog. I won't lie it is scary, but it's also so freeing. I am free to be me. Free to do what I want. I love it.

I will be getting internet on Thursday. I will update again that day. Wanted to pop in and give a small update.

Therapy

Saw my therapist today for the first time. Guess what? I am trans! Ha! Yeah, she didn't question it at all. I mean she asked questions, but she didn't doubt me. Told me that I sounded 100% committed to it, and that I already knew who and what I was, that there was no question about that. That was nice. I needed to hear that. I needed someone to believe me. I've gotten so sick of all the non believers.

We talked about my husband and current situation a lot.  She want's me to take things slow, and work on me. Take control of my life, so I don't feel like a prisoner anymore. This involves getting healthy, by going to see a doctor and getting a check up. Starting any medications that can help. Getting a job so I am not so reliant on my husband. All of the things I already knew, but hearing someone else tell me that this is the plan I need to follow, really helped too.

She doesn't know much about the legal system here when it comes to trans, so she couldn't help on that. I am going to have to call a lawyer and find out what my rights are with my kids. Find out if there is a high chance of losing them due to me being trans and not having a job. If there isn't a high chance, as they always try and go for joint custody in these matters, then I might move out.

I am going to talk to my sister in law eventually, about moving in with her and my kids. Then my husband can still see his kids, as she lives in the same city. I will be free and out, away from him, but hopefully not have to deal with the court crap. We will see. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because every time that I do, he squishes them. Besides, I do know him, and he will probably try and take my to court just to hurt me.

Nothing but time

Alright, weekend from hell is over.

In my last post, I was pretty much at my wits end. I am still there, but I have a few threads hanging down, keeping me from falling any further and giving me small bits of hope. I do mean small.

So the husband is really getting on my nerves. I can't do this. I can't be with him. He is manipulating me into this marriage, he is controlling every aspect of my life. I have no freedom, no privacy, no anything. Just him. I know now that he used the threat of taking my kids away, as a means to keep me here. To make it to where I couldn't leave. I still going to leave. I might not be going to my hometown, in another state, but I am leaving. All that is left, is figuring out when.

I am not happy with him. I haven't been happy with him in a longtime. The things he said to me on Wednesday just made it all worse. He spoke from his heart, told me exactly how he felt about me, and I can't just forget that. Then my eyes were opened to his manipulating ways, and the way he controls me, and I just want to get out. I can't stay in a relationship like this.

All weekend, he tried to be a better husband. Touched me more, complimented me, played with the kids, spent time with his family. I couldn't enjoy it, not really, because it felt forced and tainted. I couldn't help but think that he was doing all of that, just so he could keep me. He doesn't love me. It is all about controlling me. It is all about not losing the lofty life he has because of me. The life where he doesn't have to lift a finger to cook, clean, drive, take care of kids, etc.

Today I told my mother I need to get out, but she can't do much. I can't go there, doing so will risk losing my kids. My only options available to me right now, are sticking it out. Sticking it out until I can figure things out. I see my therapist tomorrow, and I am really hoping that she will be able to give me resources and advice on how to get out of this with my kids. I am thinking of talking to my sister in law, and seeing about moving in with her, with my kids. Then my husband can still see his kids every day, but he won't be able to control me.

I need to get a job. I am still trying. I put in so many applications, but no one has called me back. It has been almost two weeks since I put in those applications. I don't think anyone is going to hire me without someone vouching for me. I might try and see if I can work with my sister in law. She said her job doesn't have any available positions right now. I might see about doing her job, but with a different company, and from home. I need to have more income. If my husband does take me to court over our kids, that is the one thing that he will have over me. He will have a job and a brighter future to give our kids. He has a job, and he is going to college, while I am sitting around on SSD.

So I need to get everything where it needs to be.

I am trying. I don't know where to go until after I talk to my therapist. After I do that, depending on how it all goes, I might call a lawyer and see what I can and can't do. Then it will be time to talk to my sister in law. I have no idea how long this all will take. It could be fast, it could take months. I have no idea.

I am still going to college in January.

I have nothing but time now.

Cloudy Days

You know, as has been my observation through most of my life, life is not easy. You think you are getting somewhere, that you are moving forward towards your goals, and then your kicked back down. As has been detailed in my blog many times, I have continuously felt kicked down. I make progress, but it quickly get buried underneath a mound of troubles.

Yesterday's entry told all of you about my husband finally being told. I was happy when I was writing that blog yesterday. I was looking forward to a bright future, one where I would be able to be myself. I had so many plans, and all I could see were bright beautiful skies ahead of me. Maybe that was my problem.  I was overlooking the storm clouds that were on the horizon. I was making all of these plans, without having spoken to my husband about them. We have kids together, and I knew I would need to talk to him about taking my kids to live with my mother in another state. I didn't think he would be too upset. I didn't think he would try and stop me.

I didn't think, and that is my fault.

I told him my plan last night, to which he was completely blindsided. There were a lot of tears, and eventually he told me outright that he wasn't going to let me take our kids anywhere. So I told him I would get legal action against him. That was stupid. Why? Because he would fight me on it, and I would most likely lose my kids. I live in the south, and even if I didn't, transgender people hardly ever get custody of their children in a custody battle. Me living in the south just means that it is completely not possible.

What does this mean? It means if I want to leave my husband, if I want to go and start a new life, I will lose my children. It means that I can't do anything. He has trapped me in our marriage. I can't transition. I can't leave him. I can't move out. I am stuck again. At least for the next twelve to thirteen years, until my children are old enough to be considered adults, and there can't be a custody battle for them.

I am heart broken. I tried to look on the positive side of it all. I tried to be optimistic. Told myself I would get therapy, and make them not give me the option to transition. To work at the root of what was causing my dysphoria instead, and surely I would be happy in time. My husband 100% believes that my dysphoria comes from my depression, my lack of self confidence, my anxiety, etc. He thinks I can work past this. He is willing to be a better husband, even after all the crap he said to me on Wednesday.

I have to accept that too. Because I can't lose my kids. They are my entire world. Living without them is not an option for me. Not even to transition. He woke me up at 3 in the morning to cite all of these medical journals he had read on-line, talking about how adverse a parent transitioning at my kids ages, effects them. All but saying he would use that research in court against me. I can't believe this is all happening. It is kind of funny, in a non humorous way, just how quickly life can flip around. One minute I was on top of the world, so empowered, and then the next, I lost it all. Trapped in a marriage I can't get out of.

I would love to believe that therapy can help me, and make these feelings go away, but I don't think it will help. I keep thinking of the future I am not going to have. I keep thinking about how much I want to be Trent, and how much it just isn't going to happen. This is a sacrifice I have to make, in order to not lose my children. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but I have no choice.